Have you ever met another mom who you think will no doubt be your BFF? Someone who you think, “I really like you! We can totally hang out!” Then you meet her kid and you think, “Damn! I really LIKED her!” (Note the past tense)
First, let me say that I by no means think that my children are perfect. However, I like to think that they aren’t complete assholes. They may have asshole moments…but, that’s a story for another day.
The bottom line is, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, please try your best as a parent to not add to the number of assholes that already populate the earth.
Case in point, my son was invited to a birthday party, more specifically he was invited to a pool party which throws my momma anxiety over the edge. I mean, let’s be real, no one enjoys watching a bunch of eight and nine-year-olds running around a slippery pool deck pushing one another into the pool playing, “let’s see whose mom and dad have the best medical insurance.”I feel like I am just waiting for an accident to happen. So, we arrive at the party and my son immediately runs off
So, we arrive at the party and my son immediately runs off full-throttle (deep breaths, I’ve got my insurance provider on speed dial) to meet his friends. I settle into one of the lounge chairs on the side of the pool with one foot still on the ground, “Are you Roman’s mom?”
I look up to find the chair next to me has been occupied. “Yes, I am,” I extend my hand to introduce myself and my new seat mate introduces herself. In the interest of anonymity, we’ll call her Susan. We talk for a few moments and I find out that our sons know one another from Cub Scouts.
“Who has a party without music?”, she suddenly says, pulling out a set of small speakers and setting them on the table between us, “I hope you don’t mind 90’s hip-hop!”
Um, do I mind 90’s hip-hop?!?! Would you like me to recite all of the words to O.P.P.?! Do you think I am 2 Legit, 2 Legit to Quit? (That’s a MC Hammer reference for the young ones). After several minutes of testing one another’s knowledge of everything from Tupac to Biggie, our boys come running up to us.
I can tell by the smile on my son’s face that he’s having a great time at the party and to be completely honest I am enjoying myself as well because it’s so rare that you can actually have a good time at a kid’s birthday party.
Okay, let me make certain that I describe this scene as accurately as possible so that you don’t’ think I am taking creative license and making this more than it actually was. As the boys come running up to us, Roman asks if I’ve remembered to bring his goggles. As I am digging into our bottomless bag of pool crap, “Nathan” asks his mother if she has brought his. As she is rummaging through her bag I find Roman’s goggles and am in the process of helping him adjust them when she explains to Nathan that she must have forgotten his at home. Without hesitation, Nathan says to his mother, “You’re so fucking stupid!”
Now, let’s pause for a second because I am sure that you are going to need to read that again to make certain that you read it right the first time. Go ahead…I’ll give you a second…
Like you, my mouth dropped wide open and, like a couple of cartoon characters, my son and I looked at Nathan and his mother, and then back at one another.
To be completely honest I kind of braced myself because I thought for sure she was going to unleash the beast and go completely nuts on this kid with the sound of Biggie Smalls “Hypnotize” playing in the background. WRONG! She began apologizing for forgetting the goggles!
“Nathan, I am so sorry! I really thought that I had grabbed them on the way out of the door! Would you like me to go home and get them?”
Nathan replied, “Well, it’s too fucking late for that! You’re the worst mom ever!”
Crazy, right?! But wait, there’s more…
As we gather the kids and head inside the clubhouse to watch the obligatory magician, I try to shake off what just happened. The magician begins with a demonstration by holding up a piece of paper and asking the kids by a show of hands to tell him what they think it is. Before anyone else can answer that its flash paper Nathan yells out, “It’s rolling paper!”
All of the parents turn and look at one another completely shocked! All except for Nathan’s mom who laughs and says, “Oh Nathan, stop it!”
The magician, to his credit, keeps going although I am sure if he could have made Nathan disappear he would have.
And there’s still more…
Moving on to his next trick the magician brings out several cups and places a white ball underneath one of them. We’ve all seen this trick, but the kids are in awe so we all play along. Finally, after what seems like a painfully long amount of time the magician ask for two volunteers to come up to the front of the room and guess which cup the ball is under. Two kids are selected and make their way to the front of the room each surprisingly (insert sarcasm here) incorrectly guessing the whereabouts of the ball.
In dramatic fashion, the magician reveals there was no ball under any cup and Nathan yells out, “THAT’S BULLSHIT! WHERE’D YOU HIDE THE FUCKING BALL ?!”
Done! I am done with this kid! I look to Nathan’s mom and she’s smiling!
I wanted to yell, “IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY, LADY! YOU GOTTA CONTROL YOUR KID!” But, like my husband always says, “You are not everyone’s mother.” So, I hold my tongue. Actually, who am I kidding at this point I am biting my tongue…nearly in half! I turn and see Roman looking at me mouthing the words,
So, I hold my tongue. Actually, who am I kidding at this point I am biting my tongue…nearly in half! I turn and see Roman looking at me mouthing the words, “Wow! Just wow!”
Now, my husband and I are by no means “old- school-lay-down-the-hammer” kind of parents.
However, we are the “you-need-to-respect-me-because-I-am-the -adult” kind of parents.
So, the fact that this 9-year-old is going off on his mother and spewing expletives like a truck driver is beyond off-putting and this kid has taken it WAY too far.
“Dude! You need to seriously calm down! Not cool, man! Not cool!” I turn and look at my son who at this point has apparently has had his fill of Nathan’s tantrum and is heading off in the opposite direction. I can not even tell you the amount of pride that I felt in that moment. His adverse reaction to hearing this child berate his mother and be completely inappropriate means that my husband and I are doing something right.
As the party begins to wrap up and I am gathering Roman’s belongings, Susan turns to me and asks if we can exchange numbers and get together for a play date. What I wanted to say is that I want my child to have a playdate with your kid like I want him playing with a pack of hyenas, but we exchange numbers and say our good-byes.
“We’ll talk soon!” she says as she chases after Nathan who at this point has taken the car keys and is threatening to leave without her if she doesn’t, “hurry up and bring her fat ass to the car!”
I wave thinking, yep, as soon as hell freezes over!
On the way home I asked Roman what he thought of Nathan’s outburst and without skipping a beat my little guy shook his head and said, “I told Nathan that I can’t play with him if he’s going to act like that.” #proudmamamoment!
So alas, our friendship never had a chance. Although I really enjoyed Susan’s company I just have no tolerance for that kind of behavior from a child.
Honestly, I probably would have been more tolerant had I seen that she was trying to discipline him, but the fact that she laughed…well, it just seemed as if it was going to get worse before (if it ever) gets better.
Sorry, girl! But, here’s the silver lining…we’ll always have Biggie.