Family & Motherhood Read

Operation: Get Laid

My husband and I refuse to not make time for sex.  When we were dating B.C. (Before Children) finding time to be intimate was not an issue.  As a matter of fact, everything else was planned around us having sex.  So needless to say, once our son was born it became more difficult to find the time. Then add an unexpected pregnancy, a move across the country, a new job, and a new house… let’s just say that no matter what we tried (and believe me, we tried) we just couldn’t find the time.

Finally, I decided enough was enough.  A lack of intimacy was the one thing I knew that I could control. Making it happen was a whole different issue.  It was going to take some work but I was determined to get laid! Besides shopping and sex are two of my favorite things.  So like a well-coordinated battle plan I set about putting in place, Operation: Get Laid! (I didn’t say it was going to be classy).

There are four words in the English language that should be celebrated by all parents: THANK GOD FOR GRANDPARENTS!!

My parents (the cavalry) swooped in for a Vegas vacation. I am not going to pretend that they missed me so much that they rushed across the country to visit. No, they missed their grandchildren. It was a win/win situation. I had something they wanted (grandchildren) and they had something I wanted (babysitters who only expected to be paid in hugs and kisses).  I could have been hallucinating due to the triple digit heat, but I swear when my parents emerged from the airport there was a golden light surrounding them and a chorus of angels. RE-IN-FORCE-MENTS!!

After spending the required few days of quality time with good ol’ mom and dad I began packing our bags. Knowing that my parents were on their way I had already booked a hotel room, pre-ordered some NSFH (Not Safe for Home) lingerie. NSFH lingerie is the stuff you wear when there is absolutely no chance that your kids could walk in on you having sex. It requires a good amount of stretching before you can actually put it on and looks like something from the wardrobe department of a porn movie set.

Not unlike Fight Club, Operation: Get Laid has rules:
1. Don’t talk about the kids.

There is no talk about the kids allowed whatsoever. We don’t call them and they don’t call us. The only exception to this rule is if there is an absolute emergency. If not, we have a strict no contact rule. The first person that mentions the children is required to provide a sexual favor to the other. Again, win/win situation!

2. Don’t talk about the kids. In case you didn’t get it the first time!

Enough said.

3. We are not parents!

For 72 hours we are happily married, children-free people! No one is allowed to order chicken fingers at dinner and only alcoholic beverages can be consumed. The extra bonus is I get to carry a purse that is free of Pokémon cards and goldfish crackers!

4. It’s a judgment free weekend.

After 12 years together we’ve done just about everything. However, if one of us has a fantasy or wants to try something that we saw on some porn site…no side eye is allowed and absolutely no one saying, “What the fuck have you been watching ?!?!?!”

Operation: Get Laid begins the moment we drive away from the house. In an effort to fully immerse myself I decided to wear a short skirt sans panties.  There is nothing sexier than taking your man’s hand, sliding it between your thighs, and surprising him with a little commando. By the time we got to the hotel we were ready to rush through check-in and immediately made good use of our room.

We have amazing hotel sex, which is always better than regular at home sex, and after a few minutes I am ready to go again. However, one of my husband’s favorite sayings is “Baby, I am not a machine!” so we decide to get dressed, make some drinks, and hit the town to find an adult themed activity. If only Vegas had such things…

The first stop is the Erotic Heritage Museum. If you would like to be inundated with sex this is the place to be. There is literally room where you sit in the middle and on no less than 20 big screen televisions every celebrity sex tape you ever or never wanted to see is being played in heavy rotation. While this may not be everyone’s cup of tea it definitely worked for us and we happily made our way back to the room where we eagerly recreated a couple of our favorite scenes.

We were onto the next sex-venture (see what I did there?) and after a quick Google search we located a burlesque museum not far from our hotel.  We both love the sensuality and flirtation of burlesque. Unfortunately, the museum was a bust (picture poster board with yellow newspaper clippings) .We had a good laugh about it over cocktails, which eventually led to a discussion of strip clubs.  In our twelve years together we realized that we had never been to a strip (or gentlemen’s club, cause we’re fancy like that) together. After another quick search we find a couple’s friendly club. I won’t give you all the details, but suffice it to say we had the most amazing sex of our weekend.

As Operation: Get Laid came to a close and we enjoyed the last few moments of uninterrupted spooning, my husband and I made a commitment to one another.

We promised to make time. Time for intimacy, time for re-connection, and most importantly just time for one another.

In the real world we can’t just book a hotel room at the drop of a hat and take a day off of from parenting to have interrupted sex. What we can do is put the kids to bed a little early and enjoy a cocktail together, block our calendars during the day to meet for a little afternoon delight, or at the very least take a shower together before we wake the kids up for school in the morning. Bottom line, when there’s a will, there’s a way. We are beyond willing and have promised one another to always find a way!

About the author

Diedre Barksdale-Garcia

Host of the "Let's Just NOT..." Podcast

Diedre is known for sharing relatable and funny stories about Life, Mommyhood, Marriage, Relationships and SEX! She has helped so many women find balance in the most un-balanced times, become more confident in who they are and challenge the motherhood taboos.

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