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5 Things to Think About BEFORE Leaving a Relationship

Leaving relationship

If you are reading this, my guess is you are currently contemplating the state of your relationship. What questions do you have running through your mind?

  • Do you feel like something is missing?
  • Is it that you both can’t seem to get it together?
  • Are there too many fights about the SAME problems?
  • Is there a lack of passion?
  • Do you feel misunderstood, or, do you not understand where your partner is coming from?
  • Has there been a betrayal in the relationship that leaves you questioning what to do next?
  • Is there something in your soul that is yearning for more?

First of all, wherever you are I want you to know that it is OK! Questioning where you are is a good place to start. It allows openness to what could come. And with openness, we are able to make decisions that come from a place of truth. Or, something close to that HAHA!

Well here’s the thing, our mind plays tricks on us! Damn mind… We are blessed for our mind (don’t get me wrong) but it can make you see things that aren’t reality and it can also make you HIDE reality so we need to begin by getting clear. Clarity is what’s needed for any and ALL decisions we make in life. Otherwise we make emotional decisions and even though we may be making the right decision in the end it certainly doesn’t allow us the spiritual growth we need to accept the right things in the future.

So, what I’d like us to do now is go through FIVE “muy importante” (“really important” if you don’t understand SPANISH) questions that will guide you to CLARITY so that you are able to make the best decision from a place TRUTH!

You could get advice from your BESTIES, and by all means, get all the advice you can from them because they truly mean well… but from my experience, our best friends aren’t really relationship coaches (even though they think they are) so… with your permission, let’s get into your TRUTH babe!

Here are the rules of the game!
  • Be in a place of stillness, silence, and solitude! … In other words: Turn OFF your cell phone! Light some candles and BE BY YOURSELF!
  • Answer the questions in the spaces below
  • Be open and truthful!
Now lets go!
1. What do you want to FEEL within yourself AND this relationship? 

What have you been doing (good or bad) to achieve this feeling? (Go to your list of feelings here to get clear) After you have picked the feelings you have been trying to achieve, identify what ways, again, you have been ACHIEVING these feelings. Sometimes we achieve the feelings we want in good and bad ways. Be truthful.

2. Be TRUTHFUL about where you are at

What is right with your relationship? What is wrong with your relationship? What role have you played in the good? What role have you played in the bad? What role has your partner played in the good? What role has your partner played in the bad?

3. What could you be LOSING if you left this relationship?

Identify what you most FEAR if you were to walk away. (Is it comfort, companionship, security, control, money,  or self-worth) Be truthful and feel free to express it even if it doesn’t look pretty.

4. What could you be GAINING if you left this relationship?

(Is it freedom, peace, discovery of self, happiness, and connection with the people you love, passions and interest, wisdom, love?) Why is it so important that you feel these?

5. FLIP THE SCRIPT

What ways can YOU transform this relationship? Since we determined what your ULTIMATE feelings are, how could you bring these feelings out in your relationship? What do you see more clear that you haven’t seen before? Is there a way to save your relationship in any way? BE TRUTHFUL.

If it is clear to you that in order to stay true to yourself and your happiness, you must leave this relationship, I applaud you for having the courage and clarity to understand this.

With that said, it will still be difficult for you so here’s checklist for you:
  • Write 10 reasons why you will be standing for your TRUTH and HAPPINESS through this decision
  • Write the next 5 steps you will need to take in order to finalize this breakup. (For example: Move out/pack belongings, call on the support of close family and friends, etc.
  • Handle this breakup with dignity, clarity and love especially if you are the one doing the “breaking-up.” There will be loads of emotion being thrown around on both ends, and even though there isn’t a “perfect” way to handle a breakup, keep a mantra in the back of your mind so it makes it better and neutral for YOU. Here’s one you can take:
“No matter what, I am a source of LOVE! I respond through understanding and deep wisdom because I am a source of LOVE. I stand up for my truth and happiness because I am a source of LOVE.”

Again, let me know if we can help you with any questions you have as I know coming to the decision to end a relationship is HUGE and requires thought and care.

Is it time to leave your relationship?

About the author

Christal Fuentes

Christal is the Founder of The Ladies Coach. She lives and BREATHES her belief which is that you can’t find fulfillment in life WITHOUT mastering the art of relationships!

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19 Comments

  • Hi I have a very important question? My bf broke up me and I’ve been tryn to talk to him for closure or clarity on why we broke up. He told me before he had too much personal and professional issues to keep me holding on. But he won’t talk to me he acts like I don’t exist. He’s been upset both times I seen him. I told him I need this so I can move. So I’m feeling lost confuse and hurting me deeper than before… Please help me on what to do because I can’t continue to have this on my heart or mind

    • Thats a beautiful question Jacquay. Closure always has to come from within. We cannot allow the closure to come from others especially our EX’s. Here’s why breakups are hard… because relationships are “addictions.” Sounds cray cray but its true. The same chemicals release in the brain as they do if were addicted to coffee, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, tv etc.

      As with any addiction, comes WITHDRAWS. What happens when someone tries to quit coffee? Big fat headaches and sometimes the shakes right? Same goes with cigarettes.. But what we don’t know is withdraws happen when a relationship ends, because all those chemicals are relying on that person to fill that high and thats where you are right now. You are “thinking” you want him to help you with closure but the truth is those chemicals are just looking for the next fix. I KNOW! Its insane!

      Here’s what I suggest babe, acknowledge you are going through a withdraw. There’s nothing wrong with withdraws to end an addiction we just need to remember to get through it in positive ways. Right now, its safe to say you are craving connection. So think of 3 things you can do that has NOTHING to do with your EX that can fill that need.

      What positive things can you do during this withdraw time to fill your need for love and connection? Maybe you have friends that you can laugh with? Maybe you have a mentor you can confide in? Maybe you have family you can get that unconditional love from? Maybe you can do something you have always wanted to do for yourself that you haven’t yet?

      Start thinking of ways to fill your needs in POSITIVE ways. Tough situations always make us stronger and MORE connected to ourselves if we allow them to. So write 3 things you can do for yourself starting now. Withdraws don’t end in a day but as soon as you start new habits those chemicals will start to settle down and will allow you to feel good again. Just remember to do things that feed that connection in positive ways.

      Does that sound good? XO

  • My question is this… My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I’m 35 and he has all of the goals and family orientation that I want in a partner. He is handsome, intelligent and a great father. We have a lot in common and work very well together. He is building a home and wants my 17 year old son and I to be a part of it and treat it as our own, as well as wanting us to move in with him soon. The issue that I am having is that for only being together 4 months, the passion is not there. I know he works a lot and then we also work on his house every day, but he just seems uninterested in me physically. I also work a lot at a very physically demanding job and I am 5 years older than him, but I am still wanting to be passionate with him.

    I have always had very passionate relationships, that didn’t have very much other than that going for them and most were very toxic. So I guess my question is, do I trade passion for stability or is passion a necessary part of a relationship for it to survive?

    • Careessa, sounds like you have a good man who wants to provide for you and as a man, that is what a good foundation begins with. Passion is important, but the movies make passion look completely foreign in real relationships. Theres not ALWAYS going to be a hot, fiery romance and thats OK.

      But let me tell you what PASSION I do believe in that is REALLY important for you, for him AND your kids…

      Passion = Energy. Passion doesn’t just come in romance, Passion comes with the energy you give to something. And that starts with YOU.

      Being passionate is a CHOICE. A choice you make every day. We often wait for circumstances and people to show up for us but thats not THEIR responsibility. Its ours!

      So what can YOU do to open up your relationship? How can YOU bring your powerful energy that will not only create “intimate” passion but also SUSTAIN a healthy relationship?

      How can you communicate to your boyfriend about your wants and needs? How can you open the discussion to understand HIS wants and needs?

      In relationships you have to always keep up with each other and understand how each person wants to feel and HOW that is possible… If you think he is going to understand what you want without you discussing it or SHOWING him… you will be running into a brick wall.

      Find ways YOU can open this relationship up. You have the power to do it! Relationships are meant to be sustained and that means you have discuss what it is you want.

      Hope that helps! XO

  • I have a very sweet guy but sometimes is smothering. He doesn’t seem to have his own opinion and doesn’t stand up for himself, runs to stepmom a lot! He’s great but doesn’t seem like he’s the one for me even if my.mom loves him. I’m unsure the best way to let him know how I feel I don’t like hurting people feelings. The man I’m drawn to is rough, tough, and not what everyone wants me to be with but I’m constantly thinking about him and I don’t understand it.

    • Theres nothing wrong with being with a man who is rough and tough as long as he knows how to be equally catering emotionally. Now before you end it with your man, is there any way you can give him PERMISSION to be what you’d like to feel from him? Have you discussed (in a non-judgmental way) what you’d want out of your relationship and how you want to feel?

      Even if it ends up not working out, you must get yourself into a practice of OPENING your relationship up so you have the tools to do the same in a future relationship. But if he is a good man, see if you can open the dynamic of this relationship.

      Was he raised close to his mom? Sometimes good men just feel they need to be overly sensitive around women to make her feel safe which is why you can open the relationship up by making HIM feel safe enough to explore more of his masculine side with you. Giving him permission to open up the light and dark parts of the relationship will really change the dynamic of your relationship.

      But remember in the future, ONE dynamic to a man is NOT what makes a relationship work. So there better be something more than a man being rough and tough…

      Does that make sense? XOXO

  • I have a question. How long should someone be with a man with out marriage? I ask because we have been together for 3 yrs. He mentioned marriage early on while dating. We even planned 2 weddings, one in Vegas we went he backed out. Came home he said he was sorry. Months later he came to me and asked if we could go get a marriage license. I agreed. Well that expired no wedding. The hard part is when the kods ask us when are you getting married, he always ignores them.
    We bought a house together, we pay bills, raise a blended family.. yet marriage does not seem to be. How long do I invest pretending and doing wife duties with out the true commitment of marriage?

    Thank you for any advice!!

    • Heather that is a fabulous question and I actually did a video on this very topic a while ago: http://theladies.wpengine.com/watch/tlc-thursday/5-reasons-he-hasnt-put-a-ring-on-it/

      But here’s what I have to say about this…. Sounds like your man IS committed to you! Is your relationship good aside from this marriage talk? Do you both “like” being around each other? Does he SHOW up for you as a man?

      Owning a home together is just as significant of a contract as a marriage license is…truthfully. In the end, its pieces of paper that are a CONTRACT between you two that the government holds haha!

      Now, I’m not saying that you should squash your dreams of getting married but I do think that you should really think about what being COMMITTED in a relationship REALLY means.

      There are so many people who are married and NOT committed to each other.

      So here’s my advice, take the pressure off of marriage and see what his fear is. In the video I talk about it a little. He could have a bad meaning about marriage that he’s carried on from the past. He could want to be focused on providing for the family that he doesn’t feel ready yet.. etc.

      You must find ways to understand what the real reason is before you think that he’s NOT committing to you.

      Happiness in a relationship is more important than the pressure of getting married. Once you understand that, you may be able to open the relationship up enough for him to feel less afraid of marriage. But if he feels theres an “ultimatum” that will make him feel less masculine because he doesn’t feel he can come up with the decision on his own.

      So open the relationship up babe and find ways to understand whats really happening. Then you can go from there.

      XOXO

  • I recently had a betrayal in my marriage and it has broken our trust. I want to walk away but i don’t know if I should fight. He says he will do better. He will do whatever I want to make this right. He has started doing some of the things that I had asks for years before and got nothing but procrastination and attitude. I’m by no means an angel either but I want someone who call me out on things when it happens instead of after a day of drinking. Everyone always said we got married too young. Maybe they were right. I’m just so lost. Where do I begin?

    • Hi Mainey, without knowing too many details in this relationship I will use the information you have given me. A “betrayal” in the relationship comes in many ways and more than likely comes from BOTH parties. When you said “I haven’t been an angel either” I would almost confirm you haven’t been the best spouse to him either. So you BOTH betrayed each other.

      As long as you are able to take responsibility for the state of your relationship the more you will get out of what COULD come and possibly my comment 🙂

      Age rarely has anything do to with the maturity of a relationship. I say rarely because there are obvious ages where relationships might not be the most sustainable but all in all, a relationship is only sustainable as the two people who want to GROW with each other.

      So let me ask you a question, when did you BOTH stop catering to each others NEEDS?

      We often think we do so much for our partners but rarely know what it is that they actually WANT or how they want to FEEL. Again, betrayal comes in all shapes and forms so to cast judgement on a particular action would not be the best if you want to KEEP this relationship.

      I encourage you both to take responsibility for the actions on both sides and see where you both can go from there. Get to know whats most important for each other so you can figure out the next step.

      XO

  • Hello. I found this to be very enlightening. I have been dating someone for five months. Two months ago his job got switched to nightshift and it has been incredibly hard to not only spend time together but to connect. We both want families and are 35, but I think he is feeling pressure to see if I am the one or not. He agrees I’m great in every aspect but he says we are like an old married couple, wash, rinse and repeat. It’s so hurtful. Our emotional connection is poor, I met him after only being two months out of a three year relationship so I thought us taking it slow was understood but I don’t think it was. If all of the other pieces are there can this be fixed? I don’t know what else I can do, or we can do to help the progression of our relationship and I’m in tears as I write. Thank you.

    • Hi Robin, I think 5mo is a little early to feel this type of frustration especially since it (usually) should be the most exciting time in a relationship. Now the emotional connection more than likely is poor because 2mo out of a THREE YEAR relationship isn’t conducive for a REAL emotional connection in a new relationship.

      Everyone is different but in most cases, this is just not enough time to break out of old patterns from our past relationship. Not only do you have expectations for yourself to just jump into the RIGHT relationship that will be right for a family… you also have a large amount of expectations for a guy who has only been with you for 5months to do the same.

      Men do not operate that way. They like to date and feel full freedom with someone before they know if it is right for them.

      With all that said, I think you must not let the old expectations you had of your EX to transfer to this new relationship. They are two different people and you were with the other for 3years while you are putting a huge amount of expectation on a man who has only known you for 5mo.

      As hard as it is to start a BRAND NEW relationship, they are not extensions of our past…. they are BRAND NEW! Like new babies… so to have expectations transfer over, you only set this relationship up for failure. You have to get to know each other, have fun, and live in what FEELS GOOD right now.

      My advice now would be to see if you could open this relationship up by ridding the future talk and living in spontaneity. Get to know some fun facts of each other. Go out and explore with each other. Let go of the restrictions you have been holding with yourself and let your heart be open to see what this man has to offer. If it still doesn’t feel good, then it is absolutely OK to say goodbye and open yourself up to new opportunities.

      Let go of the ideas, expectations and the clock you think is ticking and start a relationship that FEELS good not what is “ideal.”

      My last question for you is, do you feel you are settling?

  • Maybe you have some advice for me as well, and can help me to understand a few things…
    I’m 22, I’m a mother of a two year old, and I just left her father after being together almost three years. He cheated on me and I left right away…we moved to Minnesota after our daughter was born because my parents are abusive mentally, emotionally and used to be very physically abusive as well. Anyway, I have always had suspicions that he had been cheating because someone always found a profile of his or I would see his messages and emails…I knew he loved me, I could feel it, but at the same time, his family believes he’s a narcissist. They adore him, but they think he inherited it from his father. His mother committed suicide when he was two and he was left in the care of his family and his father was never really in his life, so I always tried to understand that that could play a huge part in why he is the way he is. But we were always good together, we were loving and always made each other laugh, it was just so easy to be around each other but very quickly things turned and we fought all the time very badly, screaming at each other, even where others could hear us…it was to the point where he never wanted to be around me and even when he did I couldn’t be intimate with him because I suspected he was talking to other girls all the time…he would always say he’s going to the gym and his clothes and towel would be folded up in the back seat of the car when he got home…he could have just went driving around because I know that’s something we used to do together when we needed to clear our heads but the suspicion was there. Just this past April we finally got our own apartment and things when quickly down hill. We fought nearly everyday and in June he lied and slept with someone else and I impulsively left without thinking it through, and now I’m back at my parents. Did I make the wrong decision? I know I love him, he’s an amazing and loving father, and I know he loves me. But I also have depression and anxiety that he has begged me to get help with and I always took it as an attack on me…what should I do? I know I’m young and I hope I don’t sound naive, but I have been in relationships non stop since I turned 18 and moved out of my parents home. I know and understand that relationships take hard work and attention and sacrifices on both ends, kind of like a garden, it needs to be constantly kept up and watered and nurtured and takes more than just one person to make it flourish. And I know patience is a key aspect and especially love and understanding. What am I doing wrong that I can’t keep a relationship? And was I right for leaving? Because it doesn’t feel right. It feels like all I needed was a break…

    • Melissa, first of all, thank you for trusting me enough to share your story. I honor you for that!

      NOW… What I am going to say is going to come from a place of “tough love”… mostly love though! 😉

      I want you to remember this quote, “We stay in relationships we feel treat us BETTER than how we treat ourselves.”

      I got that quote a while ago from someone I look up to but here’s the deal… You’re life is so COMPLICATED. A lot of it were the hands you were dealt with… and a lot of it is the way you CONTINUE to play your hand…

      What does that mean? Well, its unfortunate that your mom and dad didn’t know how to love you. I’m sure they did in their own way but they didn’t know how to love you in a way YOU received it and thats sad. And since then, you have been playing the guessing game in your own life on what LOVE actually looks like. But the relationship you have fallen into is NOT love… you just fell for someone who just happens to be playing the same guessing game on love too…

      The reason you left the relationship and the reason you are messaging me, is because deep inside you KNOW this is not love, yet the ego in you wants instant connection… which is why you more than likely will get back with him (I hope for your sake AND his you do not) but that is whats more than likely going to happen because the EGO will win if we allow it to which is NOT what we want directing our life.

      But here’s the real truth…. YOUR truth wants more… You know there is something else, again the reason you messaged me. There is something inside that see’s another way of life and it’s trying to move you in the right direction. It might be uncomfortable because its the UNKNOWN for you. It might go against everyones wishes, because its DIFFERENT from what you have know and how others lived, but you are worthy of the deepest and purest love thats not tied to any abuse; any conditions and insecurities…

      I’m talking UNCONDITIONAL, PURE love….

      But guess what babe, that has to start with you. You have to be the first to give yourself that unconditional love. Again, we stay in relationships (not just intimate) we feel treat us better than how we treat ourselves. And if thats the case.. imagine the nasty things we could be saying to ourselves that keeps us STUCK!

      Thats where you have to begin….

      Now, I’ll take it back to you, do YOU think it was right leaving this relationship?

  • Soo I can’t get an ex out of my mind. 10 years now and I think of him as strong as I did the day we met. I’m married now and yes he is wonderful to me. I’m afraid of the answer u are gonna give but please let me kno something.. I feel like my mind won’t rest .

  • I need some help! My boyfriend and I were together for three and a half years then I broke up with him because he was too comfortable, didn’t want to get a job, and I lost my feeling for him. A year later we reconnect and get back together. It has been six months and I am currently not sure if he is the person I want to spend my life with. I am only 22 so I know I’m too young to be thinking about marriage but I don’t want more time to go by and realize I wasted our time. I don’t feel that spark with him and I feel like there’s nothing he can do to bring it back. I feel like maybe it’s me and I’m not willing to try and I’m not sure that I want to make this work. But I miss him and I’m now second guessing my decision and I’m trying to not make decisions while I’m emotional. I feel lost and stuck!!!

  • I have been in a relationship on and off for 15 years with the father of my son who is now 12. We aren’t married which makes me sad but he always gives me excuses for that. I recently broke up with him bc he has been talking to girls. He says he is a sociable guy and he doesn’t see nothing wrong however, when I call the girls back they say he does show interest in taking them out ect….. my son jas fallen into depression because of our break up and i feel horrible. He jas been doing this to me throughout our entire relationship. I haven’t been so faithful as well due to me feeling lonely and unloved. When we did get back together things fo right baxk to like it was. Deep in my heart I know its best to separate but my heart is in so much pain and I feel so confused. Thanks Arlin

  • I have a question, My husband and I split apart 2 months ago. We met in church and gotarrived quickly. We got married 6 months into our relationship and 6 months after marriage, we split apart. He was going through an addiction problem on hardcore drugs. This was actually kept a secret. After we got married, I found our about his struggle with this drug. He would go long times without it and then kind of binge. However, after I got fed up with this and his behavior towards me. He was controlling and made me feel like the most loved person but trapped at the same time by not trusting me and questioning literally my every move. We actually both agreed this was from his past sins in past relationships. Anyway, my question is do you think I should try to savey marriage. I actually feel free not being with him, not so much happier because I work with him and I see him everyday and I get sad daily thinking of how much he hurt me and we were very in love at one point like it was surreal like the love in a fantasy. He says he wants me back and would never do anything again to hurt me..a he after 2 months he hasn’t gave me any space .we live apart though but he always finds a way to contact me..either at work or on my phone..YET he came into work smelling like alcohol. He threatens me that he’s going to go have sex with other females to try to get me jealous and get a reaction. He’s a great guy without drugs and alcohol. I feel like this is why I really can’t be with him and his multiple personalities. Do you think I made a wise choice rather than help him through this?

    • You can only help someone who wants it, but even then, if they are being completely toxic to you and your spirit, then you should not be intimately involved. It sounds like this is beyond toxic to me but here’s some tough love… You are allowing it…

      The only reason he is still contacting you is because some way, shape or form, you are attracting it. I definitely agree with your choice to not be apart of this relationship anymore because essentially you are saying you deserve more than this, which you are right. But until you understand what in you attracted this type of behavior in the first place, you will constantly settle with less than you deserve.

      I’m sending you all my love and rooting for your happiness. I’m also rooting for him to get the help he needs for his happiness as well.. Do I think you are equipped to help him? Probably not, so your choice to separate yourself sounds like a good one but you can always pray for him. Again, he has to WANT to be helped. XOXO

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