“Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man
You made my heart break and that made me who I am.”
-Little Mix, Shout Out to My Ex
I can’t say I’ve quoted too many song lyrics since the days of AIM “Away Messages” and MySpace pages, but as I was cleaning the other day this catchy song came on, got me dancing, and got me thinking about past relationships…one in particular.
It was my 25th birthday and I was in my mom’s office (thankfully she worked just a few blocks away) bawling my eyes out. I had been going out with a guy I met just a few weeks prior and he was already bringing me to the point of an ugly cry. Full blown can’t breathe, can’t speak, emotional mess.
It’s hard now to even remember what exactly I was so upset about, but it sent red flags flying.
Red flags that I chose to ignore.
What ensued was the most unstable and unhealthy relationship I had ever allowed myself to be in. I continually felt like I had to tread lightly when communicating with him, often taking a full five minutes to text him back in fear of saying the wrong thing. A wrong text, or a wrong word would have him replying that he didn’t think we should hang out again and the emotional ups and downs would begin all over again.
A lot of our time was spent drinking too much, which lead to many nights of him yelling at me to get out of his place. But that’s just because he had too much to drink, he didn’t really want me to leave, right?
We spent a TON of time together, he took me out to dinners, I spent most of my nights at his place, but there was no stability or comfort in knowing that we were actually a couple. This man was a father, yet parented in a way I knew I would never want to raise my children. He called me hurtful names, but yet gave me his time and affection, so he must still care about me, right? Our values and goals didn’t align, my emotions were out of control, but yet I continued with the dysfunction.
I was at his place one day when I received a message from another woman on Facebook who stated very specific things that there was no way I could lie to myself about what was happening. That was the end. It was the last red flag that I could no longer ignore.
I mean… it still hurt like hell, but I finally ran out of excuses.
“These are the doomed spirals of logic your mind will descend when you think being alone means being lonely, and that being lonely is worse than being mistreated.“
-Tyler Oakley, Binge
At the time, I was living at home, working a job I loved, but not making enough money to support myself, confused and without any idea of what to do. So the relationship was at least something that gave me some significance and love, even if I was achieving it in all the wrong ways.
I think what hurt me so deeply is that I was living so far from my truths, and had not only allowed but ACCEPTED that kind of energy in my life.
So how did I move forward and find peace? It wasn’t easy and it took time. Sometimes, something still shows up and brings some of those feelings back.
Here are 6 ways to begin the healing after heartbreak and hurt:
1. Don’t ignore your gut.
The phrase “womens intuition” exists for a reason. Ladies, if you are in a relationship you know you shouldn’t be, stop making excuses. Chances are, you already know the relationship isn’t right. We make excuses because that feels better than accepting the truth.
2. Take responsibility.
I clearly allowed this person in my life and allowed him to treat me the way he did. I accepted his “love” because I felt that was what I was worthy of.
As the lovely Christal Fuentes says, “When you don’t value yourself, the wrong people will come along and believe that they don’t have to value you either.”
3. Blame effectively.
There were days, even years later that I would still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards this guy and no way to let go of it. So I stopped to blame him EFFECTIVELY.
No more blaming him for being an asshole, but instead blaming him for inspiring me to get clear on my relationship goals and ideals.
No more blaming him for calling me awful and downright hurtful names, but blaming him for helping me toss away the bullshit and get back to my true, strong self.
No more blaming him for loving me in all the wrong ways, but blaming him for sharing in my life at a time when I’m not sure I even loved myself.
How could you blame someone who has hurt you in an EFFECTIVE way?
If it’s someone who speaking these words to would help heal the both of you, I encourage you to reach out. Remember though you are blaming in a positive way, for all the positives that came out of your relationship with them, even if the relationship itself wasn’t healthy.
If it’s not a situation where reaching out would be beneficial to you both, or if you can’t reach out, then just write it out. Writing is a great way to release bottled up emotions.
4. Get over the story.
Don’t tell yourself that every relationship will be like this, or start with the downward spiral of, “why am I so unlovable?” Instead, get clear on what your ideal relationship looks like. Again, write it out! When we focus on what it is we want our relationship to look like, we attract that energy to our lives.
5. Talk it out.
I knew I was in the wrong relationship, so thinking about telling my friends or family about what was going on instantly gave me feelings of shame and regret. I knew when I was having conversations it was SO obvious that I shouldn’t be putting any energy into this person, which made me ashamed.
However, in those moments of hurt and pain, I needed someone to talk to and ultimately talking about it has helped me to heal.
You never know if a fellow lady has gone through something similar!
If you can’t reach out to friends or family, reach out to a coach. There are so many options for people who are out there to be a listening ear.
In life. In the Universe. In God. In yourself. In divine timing. In whatever you choose. Just trust.
“What if life was always happening FOR us, not TO us?”
People and situations often show up in our life EXACTLY when we need them. After this relationship, I had a little chat with myself. I got more clear on what direction I wanted to go. I reconnected with things and people that made me feel GREAT. I healed my spirit—even if only a little.
After some time, I landed a great job, reconnected with an ex with whom I now have a beautiful and LOVING relationship with and was able to use my experience to overcome the low points in a whole new way.
Remember, you are a beautiful and lovely soul who deserves the BEST love in all aspects of your life and it begins with YOU!