I often asked how my husband and I continue to make sex in our marriage a priority. The simple answer is: Time and communication. Honestly, we have to make time for sex and it’s not always easy. But, quite honestly, we both love having sex and physical intimacy keeps us connected. Like all marriages, we have had lull’s in our sex life. But, the effects of going too long without having sex can begin to effect other areas of our relationship.
In articles like “Operation: Get Laid” and “Keepin’ it Fresh!” I openly share how my husband and I continue to work on our sexual growth together. But, those are both a far cry from the day to day struggle to quite literally…get ready… fit it in. Ladies, as full as your schedule may be, believe me, you can find the time for sex with your partner. For us, sometimes it’s in the middle of the night. I am a horrible sleeper. I always have been. But, I figure if I am up I may as well get him “up” as well and I can tell you that my husband has never been offended by being woken up at 2 am with a blow job.
Let’s be clear about something: Initiating sex is a mutual responsibility. It feels good to be wanted and desired, especially when you’re not feeling so desirable. Running around in sweats and doing dishes is not sexy. But, you can’t tell my husband that because who knew that watching me scrub a dish was a turn on?! The bonus is that I don’t mind being groped from behind by my man while I do dishes! As our wedding anniversary approaches trust me, I am happy that we are more sexually in tune with one another than when we started dating. The key to this is communication! If you listen to my podcast “Let’s Just Not…” (and I hope that you do!) you know that communication is key to our marriage. Not just communicating about the kids, bills, and other bullshit. But, the communication that requires us to discuss if we are happy with our sex life and whether or not we feel like we are having enough sex.
We believe in frequent “pulse checks.” They are the key to our marriage. Not all of the conversations are comfortable. But, we have found that the most uncomfortable conversations are the ones that bring us closer. The honesty that we have with one another about our satisfaction or dissatisfaction for that matter allows us to continue to grow as a couple. We agreed a long time ago that we are in it for the long haul and that kind of commitment requires work and energy on both of our parts.
The first “real talk” we had about our sex life was while I was pregnant with our son. I was turned on all the time and although we had enjoyed an active sex life prior to the pregnancy it had begun to wane during the second trimester. While it would have been easier to just walk around with hurt feelings we had “The Conversation.”
The bottom line was that the issue was not what I had concocted in my head which was that he couldn’t possibly find me attractive in my current state. However, he was concerned about hurting me or doing something that might cause me discomfort. Once I assured him that I was fine and I just wanted to get laid we resumed our regular activities. Which was a win/win because we also found some new positions that quickly made their way into our Hall of Fame. The flipside is that if we hadn’t had that conversation. If someone didn’t bite the bullet and acknowledged we had a problem everything could have gone downhill very quickly.
Intimacy can come in many forms. But, for us the pulse of our relationship can be found in the touching of hands as we watch our kids at the park, the eye contact we make over dinner, or a lingering kiss in the laundry room as we fold towels. This is the heartbeat of our love.