We all want to find love but sometimes we get lost. We find ourselves in relationships that are a wrong fit. We label it as ‘complicated’ or we find ourselves dating the same type of men who are not good for us instead of admitting that it’s just not working. After repeating our patterns we don’t know what a normal, healthy relationship is. How do we really know if he is the right guy for us? Should I stay or should I go?
I found myself dating the same type of person three times in a row over two years who was not good for me. After that experience of dead end relationships, I developed a self-awareness compass to guide me during dating that led me to say I do to my fiancée.
These were the signs I used to evaluate whether a man was a match for me or if I should move on:
Your relationship is anxiety free
Everyone says relationships take work but sometimes they can be TOO much work. It becomes difficult and you become frustrated he’s not meeting your needs. You see him only on weekends when he’s got time. He says he wants to be with you but also be able to do his own thing so he communicates only through text. You’re not sure where you stand with him and he avoids discussing any future with you. Your relationship is unsatisfying for many reasons but primarily because you’re putting more effort into it than you are enjoying being with him.
I once dated a man who was emotionally sensitive. I thought he was the perfect guy for me, a man who would be sensitive to my needs and feelings. He was passionate about advocating for welfare programs to help the immigrant working class and aligned with Occupy SF to end capitalism. I was wrong about our relationship because I was walking on eggshells when I spent time with him because I could not be honest about my opinions. I needed to be careful about what I said otherwise a conversation turned into a tension filled discussion. I felt restricted and compromised who I was. This led to the ending of our relationship.
The best relationships are fun and easy. It’s easy 95% of the time and the other 5% are differences that are resolved quickly. There is no wondering where this relationship going or if he cares about you because he steps up to make sure it is clear he wants you in his life. He puts effort into making sure you are happy and taken care of throughout the relationship. He is right for you when he accepts you just the way you are.
He supports your growth and development
Why do we find ourselves in relationships with men who are emotional vampires? It’s like they suck the life out of you and bring you no joy or happiness. Be aware of the energy he brings to the relationship and how it impacts your energy levels and yourself. A healthy relationship brings you positive and supportive energy.
My college boyfriend was an example of someone who was an emotional vampire. There were signs in our relationship that I ignored. When I started a new job working full-time I absolutely dreaded the weekends because it would mean that I would be spending time with him in our apartment because he was needy. I would get this sinking feeling develop in the pit of my stomach, this feeling of dread driving home after work. I put in so much work to ‘fix him’ during our relationship but he would not put in the effort. He was negative, unmotivated, and angry at life but I loved him anyways even when he dragged my life down with him.
Eventually I left but now I am extremely aware of how I feel when I am with a new guy. Is he positive? Does he support and encourage me to have an opinion and respect me for it? Does he make an effort to make me happy and accepts me for who I am? These are important questions that every woman should evaluate in their man before locking in the long term relationship with them.
Let him go if he makes you upset, lonely, or frustrated. How can you love someone who makes you so unhappy and disappointed?
He is your best friend
At the heart of true love is a relationship that is strong and deeply rooted in friendship. Attraction and chemistry are important at the beginning of a relationship. It is what brings two people together and what is necessary for a relationship to get off the ground but it should not be the primary things. When physical attraction and chemistry wear off friendship is going to hold your relationship together.
How do you know if he’s your best friend? Do you want to spend all your time with him? Does he make everything more pleasant and more enjoyable when he’s around? If you answered yes, there’s a good chance he’s the one for you.
When you are in a relationship with someone you consider to be your best friend you get more life satisfaction. They make any situation more enjoyable, you feel you can really be honest with him, and you want to spend all your time with him. I think a defining point on qualifying to be a best friend is that you want to make this person happy like the way he makes you happy.
I look forward to coming home to be with my fiancée and telling him about my day. I enjoy doing the mundane things with him like grocery shopping, dropping off the Netflix in the mailbox, and cleaning the house. He’s such a positive happy life force. I know that he can take the unpleasantness of anything down a couple of notches and throw in a few witty remarks to make me laugh. He is my favorite person in the world and I feel very grateful I found him.
When you find the right person to love the energy and happiness you experience can be so magical. It’s important to evaluate a relationship against these 3 emotional factors because then you will know whether to stay with someone or leave them.