If you follow me on Instagram, then you know that my husband and I make it a huge priority to keep intimacy high on our list of priorities. Very, very high. So recently when I came across an opportunity for us to take an erotic massage workshop I jumped at the chance for us to try something new. As with most things that I spring on my husband I had to carefully think through my approach.
Lying in bed after putting the kids down I casually remove my robe and reveal my sheer black nightgown (I know my man’s kryptonite), “Babe,” I purr as I lean into him, “what do you think of us taking an erotic massage class?”
As he pauses Game of Thrones I can tell he’s mildly curious.
“Hear me out,” I say rushing ahead while still trying to look sexy. “This is a win/ win situation. I like massages and you like to give them.” (Between you and me, he’s really bad but, gets an A for effort). Also, we all know massages lead to sex or is that just in my marriage? Smiling coyly, I can tell he’s mulling it over. Seed planted…
Standing in the kitchen unloading groceries a few days later my husband casually says,“You still want to take that workshop?”
Trying not to show too much excitement I casually respond, “What workshop? Oh, the one we talked about the other day? Sure.”
YES!! I am beyond excited! After almost fifteen years together we try to spice things up as much possible and sometimes that requires a little creativity and this massage class is a perfect way to do just that.
A week later, I am stifling a laugh as my husband looks around the yoga studio awkwardly. As we checked in for the workshop the young lady at the desk greeted my husband with a chipper, “Namaste.”
Leaning into me he whispered, “If anyone comes at me with a crystal I am out.”
I can tell that he is totally out of his element, but as usual, he’s game for most anything that I suggest no matter how nutty he thinks it sounds. However, I have made a mental note that crystals are apparently a deal breaker. It’s a small group, six couples including us, and it’s too early to tell if that’s a good thing or not.
Finding our place in the back of the room we sit side by side and hold hands. Our instructors are a couple that has been together for over thirty years. They begin the class by asking all of us to move closer to the front and forming circle we begin to introduce ourselves. Out of the six of us, four couples are married, one couple is newlyweds, and one has been dating for several years. Everyone has the same intention for participating in the workshop which is to find another way to be intimate with their partner and find ways to connect on another level besides sex. I look over at my husband and can already tell that he is much more relaxed than he was when we first arrived. I am sure in his head massage workshop was code for an orgy. Don’t get me wrong, we’re friendly people, I just don’t think we’re swinger friendly people. So, I think he was relieved that this was a legitimate workshop. As the lights are dimmed and chimes play softly in the background the instructors ask that we all turn to face our partner. Now, as lovely as this all sounds, I must admit that I began to feel strangely anxious which startled me a little bit.
I like to believe that my husband and I are extremely connected although we are constantly finding ways to improve our communication. Let’s be honest with one another, sex is one thing and intimacy is another. We have sex all the time. Sex can serve several purposes which is why it is one of my favorite activities. Sex can be a stress reliever, it can help relieve menstrual cramps, a sleep aid (not because it’s boring, but because you literally were fucked so hard you go to sleep), and a great way to make up after a fight. However, intimacy can be a whole different ball game.
True intimacy is ‘splaying your soul wide open and putting your trust into another person. It is trusting someone else with your whole person and putting your faith in their ability to hold your heart so carefully that nothing in this world could even tempt them to break it.
The anxiety was not because my husband and I were disconnected or there was a lack of trust, but rather that our level of intimacy has changed over the years.
Our communication has changed over the years as it should. Dating, engagement, marriage, children, maturity- all of these things do and should change how you and partner communicate with one another. Trust me, the conversations we had when first met are nowhere near what they are now and I wouldn’t want them to be. But, just as our verbal communication has changed so has how we relate to one another sexually. What turned me on in my twenties does not necessarily turn me on in my forties and same for my husband.
For two hours we made our way through the various exercises as directed by the instructors and one thing they kept repeating over and over again was be open to your partner. Be open to their emotion, be open to their touch, be open to their love …just be open. It was by far the most erotic thing that we have ever done. Focusing only on one another we experimented with lotions, candle wax, feathers, and rose petals with each providing a different sensation. It was amazing to see what my husband responded to and we made note of the items that we planned on adding to our existing toys.
As the workshop ended and we gathered our things my husband said to me, “Thank you.”
That was it. A simple thank you may have been what others heard but, I knew what it meant. It meant “Thank you for taking the time and putting in the energy.”
It meant, “I love you.”