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Not Feeling Understood in Your Relationship?

How often do you hear that one of the most important keys to a lasting relationship is communication… so much in fact, that it starts to sound cliche because it’s just so general right?

I’m pretty sure the problem isn’t that we aren’t communicating in our relationships. The problems is that we aren’t communicating the things that matter in our relationship… but even more importantly than that… We aren’t communicating in the right way!

Do you ever feel like it’s hard to communicate with your significant other, that no matter what you say, he or she just doesn’t UNDERSTAND you?

We’ve all been there right? We might even start to feel our partner is disconnecting from us. Well the truth is, most of the time, that’s not the case at all. It’s because we aren’t communicating in the way our partners understand. It’s not enough for us talk and think it constitutes as communication because there are countless ways people communicate which we will discuss in a future article, but right now its time for your truth bomb!

The breakdown in communication is what BREAKS most relationships. Click To Tweet

Now, I don’t want you to freak out and get all cray cray because you are worried that your relationship is doomed because you don’t know how to communicate. I’m just going to give you three ways to adjust your approach so that you can understand each other a bit more.

Also, please remember that I am using the words men and women in VERY general ways. Don’t get too attached to the gender side of things. Just understanding the different communication styles will do, and you might even relate to one or another.

Women communicate to connect; Men communicate to solve a problem

Ladies, the number one mistake we make when communicating with our lovers is thinking they process information like our girlfriends. THEY DON’T. And as soon as you start talking, they are trying to

  1. FIND the POINT
  2. SOLVE the problem.

Then when you continue on (which we do because we love to talk about our feelings) They. Get. CONFUSED! They want to know where THEY come in and what THEY need to do. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t express yourself, but keep in mind that their thought process is a little different. Get more clear of what you may be asking of them, because the truth is, GOOD men, want to make you happy and just want to know how they can help. So if it’s to vent, let them know in the beginning that you’re just venting! If it’s to talk about a problem, make it very easy for them to know what they need to do to make you feel understood.

Cut down the VENTING sessions

Like I said before, they are NOT our girlfriends and will not do a good job at connecting through problems/frustrations that we often like to express. And constantly communicating things he can’t do anything about will only make HIM frustrated because he can’t use his natural tendencies, which is to help. The most important part of this, and a problem I see with most couples, is he won’t know when you are coming to him about something that’s REALLY serious… like discussing your wants and needs IN the relationship… because he feels everything you discuss with him is serious… AGAIN, not saying you need to suppress yourself, just be a little more conscious of what you are NEEDING in that moment… if its connection but it’s not too serious of a vent, could your friends possibly help you out? Unless of course, its ABOUT your relationship which then, needs to be discussed with your partner.

Ask your partner how they like to communicate!

How simple does that sound? Yet, I can’t tell you how many times couples don’t ask this simple question. Then we get into arguments over the way we handle arguments… (Trust me, I’ve totally been here) Its our responsibility to KNOW our partners, yet we make it so hard on ourselves by playing guessing games the whole way through. Everyone is so different and we all handle different situations DIFFERENTLY… I encourage you to ask your partner, obviously NOT when you are in a heated debate, what they need most. What would make YOU successful at communicating with them? What do they need from you in times of stress? HOW do they like to be shown love? And how do they feel understood? These are all things both of you should discuss so you know the game plan to being successful with each other.

Does that all make sense? Now, I want to learn from you. What has been your biggest struggle with communicating with your significant other? Comment below!

I hope you have a beautiful week!

About the author

Christal Fuentes

Christal Fuentes

Christal is the Founder of The Ladies Coach. She lives and BREATHES her belief which is that you can’t find fulfillment in life WITHOUT mastering the art of relationships!

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9 Comments

  • I wish I read this article sooner. I verny far to much to my partner and not only about life but about US. His communication is terrible and I find it hard to go with the flow. Our relationship was hard from the start and its been 3 years now and I feel like whatever was once between us is now gone because his pushed me away and the effort is one sided. Whenever I discuss this with him and tell him how I feel he says he will try harder and change but it lasts for a few days and then I am back to square one. I feel like I can not give up because I have tried so hard and really love him but I also feel I have nothing left to give to the relationship anymore. My wining and multiple conversations with him have become a regular occurrence and I can tell he is very frustrated and over having them but I fear it is now to late and his feelings have changed.

    • Hi Stacy! Here’s what I’d like you to try, even if it feels like our significant other is the problem, I want you to switch your language about him. Starting with this statement, “His communication is terrible…” His communication is HIS communication and although its different from your’s that doesn’t make it terrible, but it is our job to communicate in the way our partner feels it. The problem I believe I see, is that you both are communicating in completely different ways and no one is budging. Also, you said that you constantly tell him how you feel and he’s not changing. But here’s the thing, if you OVERLY communicate what he’s doing wrong he will naturally start to get even more distant and uninspired in the relationship. So my suggestion would be to incorporate more praising in the relationship instead of communicating all the things going wrong. Start praising each other for the small things and see where your relationship heads. A (true) man will want to make his woman happy, but if he feels he can’t, then he will start to distance himself. I’m not saying this is all you need to make your relationship perfect, but starting there might just change the dynamic. Also, you have to CHANGE THE LANGUAGE YOU HAVE REGARDING YOUR MAN! There is an internal dialogue you have about him that will make it very difficult for you to open yourself to him. It also would make him feel less understood. By the way, I’d say the same thing to him so don’t think I am just harping on you, but the truth is, one person can open up the relationship, so let it be you and see where that goes. XOXO

  • I totally agree! I feel like when he has a frustration about something he shuts down. So I am left wondering whether it was me or wasn’t. Was it something that I said, did, or maybe didn’t do. I sense something is wrong, but I am kept on the outside. I feel put at a distance. & he’s left with that issue unresolved and possibly repeated. Am I unapproachable? It’s like this cascade of let downs on both sides. Our relationship won’t get any stronger that way. What’s his fear?

  • This article really hit home for me at the moment. I am going through a rough patch in my relationship and believe it has a lot to do with communication. Recently my boyfriend and I just moved back home after a year of living across the country. I am very family oriented where he is not so much, and I have been spending free time with family when I am not with him. My family likes to make plans where as he does not, so typically I will respond to plans ahead of time with family (and always try to include him). He has expressed recently that I have been “spending too much time with family” and that I should “try to juggle my time better”. A huge red flag raised in my head because he has the tendency to be slightly controlling and I am very easy going so I usually give in, or compromise for his benefit. I have been feeling like my independence has been taken from me the past year due to trying to appease to him and make sure he is always happy (which at times requires me to put myself on the back-burner). I finally decided to stand up for myself and tell him that this is who I am, I love spending time with family, and with him, and if he can’t stand me spending time with family, then maybe we aren’t right for each other, among other things that I have been feeling but have failed to express. He apologized very genuinely and said no one should have to give up family for anything. He said he was just hurt because he felt we hadn’t spent much time together since moving back and he misses me. He also said he wants to change his behavior so that I feel happy and loved and heard once again in the relationship. He says I am worth it and he loves me and wants so much to make me as happy as he is in the relationship. He recently bought the book “7 love languages for men” and is seeing someone for his control issues. It seems like he is really trying. I am currently taking some “breathing room” from him to think about whether I feel I want to give him the chance to show me that he cares as much as he says he does, or if i should simply focus on myself. I love him and miss him and really WANT the relationship to work out…..my question is, can people really change these types of things? (control issues, jealousy, always thinking they are right) It seems like he is very dedicated to working on this for me, and to make himself a better person in general, but I am scared that if i allow him to show me, it might only be a short term thing.

  • As a man, I can’t understand using verbal communication to simply string incoherent words and thoughts together. My gf often tells me I don’t understand her, but then refuses to tell me what I don’t understand exactly.

    Is it just possible that certain women aren’t as -articulate- as they -think- they are or imagine in their heads? And simply get frustrated with us because we can’t “feel” what they are unable to say?

    • The masculine communication style is very different from the feminine. It is not to say she isn’t as “articulate” as she thinks she is, it’s that as a masculine, you try to find 1. The Point and 2. The Solution…. Whereas, the feminine communication is to CONNECT, and often times doesn’t need anything to be SOLVED. It is important to meet in the middle and find a way to be present with her so she feels seen, heard and understood. I recommend reading a beautiful book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s phenomenal! Thank you for your beautiful question.

  • I’m going through something similar at the moment.
    Whenever I try and tell my partner what I want or how I’m feeling he always gets angry and says I don’t appreciate him, which is not true.
    I try and be honest with my insecurities but he doesn’t seem to get it? Which comes across to me as he doesn’t care.
    He just gets frustrated and gets angry at me
    What do I do? xx

  • my man automatically shuts down just from expecting nothing but “bitching” to come out of my mouth…..i have done EVERYTHING to just get across to him and understand what its like to be a stay at home mom, with no license, and no friends….he gets to leave his job and when i get a moment for myself it is usually spent cleaning up or doing bills or making phone calls that need to be made concerning oil, apt., ect ect….i talk to my pastor, my adhd therapist, motherinlaw, and people i have met at my church….im lost on any way to get threw to him! he hunts and fishes so he is gone most of the time….my son just turned 4 so as far as fishing…maybe this summer we can ALL go down the river in our raft…[email protected]!

    • It could be quite possible that your man feels the same way. That BOTH of you aren’t feeling appreciated in the relationship. Which is most likely why he’s shutting down and you aren’t being heard. One way you can open up this relationship would be to switch the goal from “I need him to understand me” to “How can I show more appreciation for what he does?” I believe switching from expectation mode to appreciation mode will give you more leverage to open up this relationship and be heard. XO

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