I certainly hope that you listen to my podcast “Let’s Just Not…” because if you do and you listened to episode #21, you got more than a glimpse into my marriage. More specifically, you now know A LOT about my sex life! The reason for my openness is that I receive messages all the time from women who want to have a more sexually satisfying sex life with their partners, but aren’t sure how to start the conversation.
Well, who better to blow the cover off than yours truly?
Thanks to the contributions of my better half, Mr. Garcia, we have compiled a list of ten things that create a mutually satisfying sex life for you and your partner!
1. Mutual initiation of sex – It’s ok to be dominant
So, this one seems like it should be a no brainer but, unfortunately it’s not. While it’s great to be desired you cannot always play the role of the damsel being pillaged by the evil knight. Oh, don’t act like we’re the only ones playing Game of Thrones! We are? Ok, whateva! To each her own!
Mutual initiation works both ways. It is a shared responsibility to take the reins and make certain that you are giving as good as you’re getting. Of course, this dance can ebb and flow like most things in a relationship. However, in order to fix it you need to recognize it and address it. Can it be uncomfortable to address the issue? Yes! Is it worth it to you with the end goal being able to be more intimate with your partner? It absolutely should be! If you answered “no” to the second question…well, there is a much larger issue and my suggestion is that you get that handled immediately if not sooner! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!
2. Communication – Don’t be afraid to open your mouth…literally and figuratively
You’ve heard me say this very thing over and over and over … you get my point. You know that motto, “If you see a problem, report a problem”? Well, this applies to sex in a relationship. In order to be intimate with someone you must be able to share your thoughts and feelings. Your relationship should be your safe space. Your sanctuary, to be more specific.
There is no way that a relationship can be mutually satisfying if you don’t connect with one another on an emotional level. You need to make the time to discuss things that are effecting you both in and out of the bedroom because contrary to popular belief they are not mutually exclusive to one another.
Imagine this, remember when we were kids and we would create a “telephone” with two cups and a piece of string? Well, pretend that the string is your relationship. If there are any kinks or knots in that string it’s impossible to communicate. You need to remove any of the kinks to open up your communication as a couple. It requires two people so make certain that everyone is holding up their end.
Now let’s get to the fun part! …
3. ORAL! ORAL! ORAL!
This one was added by Mr. Garcia. I think that this is his favorite thing besides breathing and we would be remised if we hadn’t included it. I’ll just put it out there! HI, MY NAME IS DIEDRE AND I LOVE GIVING MY HUSBAND BLOW JOBS! It’s something that I am really good at and something that I know he really enjoys. I am proud to say that I have the technique down with the wrist action, the breathing out of your nose, and swirl of the tongue…if there were a black belt for blow jobs I would be a third degree! Thankfully, this is not a one-way street. My husband is amazing at going down on me, and I kind of feel like if we didn’t have children and he didn’t have a full-time job he might be down there pretty much all day.
So, here’s my point. If you find that your partner enjoys something make it a point to add to your repertoire. Also, it doesn’t hurt to add some tricks. Two words: POP ROCKS! You’ll have to listen to the podcast to find out what that means.
4. Openness to try new things _ Don’t be afraid to incorporate some fun!
After all the years that we’ve been together my husband and I like to keep things interesting. Over the years we have added costumes, toys, camera’s, etc. But, we both understand that monotony is the recipe for disaster. You know what else combats the bore of a routine? Laughter. And I am happy to say that my husband and I can definitely find the humor in sex. Sometimes the noises I’ve made can make us both break out into hysterics and we are not above a giving each other a hi-five! Our rule: Don’t take yourself too seriously! Just have fun!
5. Foreplay – The pre-game warm up
Now, this one is important! I wanted to move it up to #3 but one of us (ahem, the one with a penis) said that oral was really, really important! Anyhow, foreplay is a requirement in our marriage. Think of it like this, I don’t know of any athlete that doesn’t stretch before a big game. Now apply that same reasoning to sex and you get my point. Kissing, heavy petting, and a little dry humping can help get your body and your mind ready for lovemaking. Foreplay, when done correctly can be just as satisfying as sex. So, get to stretching!
6. Sharing Fantasies
Alright folks, the simple rule here is: Sharing is caring! My husband and I regularly share things that we want to try and incorporate into our lovemaking. The key here is that you must agree to try any new fantasies and you must respect one another’s limits. For my husband and I, we have agreed that we are a party of two. We have agreed that we are not into threesomes, foursomes, or any other somes. More than two is a crowd. Plus, I don’t think I even like that many people.
Now, “Let’s Just Not…” judge (see what I did there?) If this is something that you and your partner are interested in and have agreed upon by all means, have at it! Just make certain that everyone knows and understands the rules of engagement and is ready to abide by them.
7. Know the difference between making love and fucking
Now, we’ve talked about this and my apologies to any little delicate flowers out there but, I am going to break this down for you. Not every time that you and your partner get together is going to be soft sensual music, rose petals, and poetry. One of the mottos in our marriage is that “you need to get it in when you can fit it in.” Sex in our house can be nice and slow but, sometimes a girl just needs to pull her shorts to the side and get fucked.
If anyone is clutching their pearls here chances are we can’t be friends. However, I do love a “pearl necklace” but, I digress. I love when my husband and I get an opportunity to get down and dirty. We call it “Pretty Woman” style. No kissing, no sweet words just sex. But, here’s the disclaimer. You can only engage in this if your relationship is built on love, mutual respect, and trust. Now, if you are fucking on the regular with no intimacy that is indicative of a larger issue and instead of fucking you need to figure some shit out.
8. Anytime is a good time for sex
I schedule a lot of things with my husband. Playdates, school conferences, business travel all of these things fall into the category of calendar worthy appointments. We do not, however, have a category for sex.
B.K. (Before Kids) it was at night. We could make love for hours on end without interruption. A.K. (After Kids) we’ve changed the game a bit. As of late the preferred time is between two a.m. and four a.m. I am a habitually horribly sleeper so this works to my advantage and for the record, my husband has never been offended being woken up with a blow job.
My point is that if something is important to you then you need to make the time. You make time to go to the gym, hair appointments, drinks with friends…make time to be intimate with your partner. I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I have run home at lunch during the work day to have sex. Put a little effort into it! Throw a sandwich in a Ziploc bag and eat lunch when you get back to the office.
9. Avoid Cockblockers
These things come in all shapes and sizes. Mine? In the form of two little people that can hear a door quietly close from a floor away with Despicable Me at its highest volume. So, my husband and I have become what refer to as “sex ninjas.” We have perfected the “head nod”, the “we’re going to fold towels (mind your head on the dryer)”, and the “why don’t you guys go to the playroom?” All of the moves are just for all the things we discussed in item #7. I’ve also not been above making a quick run to Target to pick up new art supplies, a DVD, or toy to distract the little cockblockers attention. Ladies, and gentleman, pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain!
The key is to identify your cockblockers and work around them. When there is a will, there is a way!
10. Don’t be afraid to bring toys to this playdate
I love toys! I love vibrators, handcuffs, silk scarves, lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my!! You get my point. Thankfully I married a man that is not intimidated by any of this. Now, that’s not to say that he didn’t give me a little bit of side eye the first time I brought my buzzing buddy out to join the party. But, he didn’t protest his arrival either. And while he will readily admit that it was an interesting addition he understood that in order for us to both orgasm I require clitoral stimulation and penetration.
I know that I am a broken record but, I am going to say it again for the folks in the cheap seats. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I literally do not think that I can express enough how important it is for you and your partner to talk about each and every one of the things on this list. It’s exactly why I asked my husband to join me on Episode #21 of “Let’s Just Not..”. I wanted you to be privy to our dialogue on this subject. But more importantly, I wanted you to hear my husband’s perspective on this issue. He’s a real “guys guy” so if anyone was going to give you an appropriate perspective on this subject it would be him. I sincerely hope that you listen to this podcast with your partner. It’s a great way to start the conversation!
Also, I need to thank my husband for his contribution to this list and the podcast. In his words, “He’s not a plumber. But, he lays the pipe!” And with that ladies and gentleman, I bid you adieu!