2016 was a real piece of work. And as someone who’s mission it is to help people shift the meanings we give life, I am not going to sit here and act like this year wasn’t the most difficult year of my life.
In fact… it felt down right excruciating at times. For me, this was the year of regret, purging, self-realizations, grief, fear, sadness, reinvention and a lot of fucking soul work.
It was the year that externally, should’ve seemed rewarding but internally felt crippling. I know this might all seem very disempowering, but it’s true. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from this year, it’s that you are better off telling the truth rather than sugar coating your experiences and trying to be positive all the time.
I’m a firm believer that the meaning you give your life dictates how you ultimately feel, but with that said, we have to be willing to tell the truth, even if it doesn’t sound pretty. Wearing a positivity mask serves no one and doesn’t get to the core of what needs to change.
I came into 2016 excited about all the things that were to come for me. As we do every year… hoping, wishing and believing that the New Year was going to be the most amazing year yet. My purpose and mission felt solid, I was wrapping up the manuscript of my very first book, Andrew and I were going to start designing our dream house and for the first time in a long while, I felt I knew the woman I wanted to be in the world.
February 2nd would be the first day of this year to really kick me in my gut. Which ironically, should’ve been a happy day because it was the day I sent my manuscript to the publishing company. My grandpa passed away. And like so many others who’ve lost someone this year or any year, it broke my heart, my spirit but most of all made me question how I exist. It was the very first time I have ever felt regret. More than regret… guilt.
I felt like the biggest fool in the world because I was a living contradiction to what I openly teach. That….
+ Relationships are everything.
+ Always let your loved ones know how much they mean to you.
Instead, I took the easy way out and assumed he would know how much I loved him without putting in the work it takes to show someone you care.
His death put a big fat mirror to my face that unfortunately (or fortunately for me now) didn’t go away. A mirror that would reveal a lot of the hard truths I fought so hard to hide, sweep under the rug or mask through positivity, humor and a life story of triumph.
A mirror that showed just how deeply afraid and fearful I really was, a fear that, once going deeper, revealed just how CONTROLLING I was.
Yup… that was the first lesson of 2016… Christal Fuentes, you are a control freak! Awww… Isn’t that sweet?
My control would fool many because it had so many “masks.” Masks dressed with “good intention.” But the truth is, it was attached to expectation and significance. This sounds a little ugly right? But I had NO idea! Most of us walk around fooling ourselves everyday without knowing we are. But once I saw myself in that mirror… there was nothing I can do… but do the work.
Remember what I said about the truth? You can sweep it under the rug but after so many times, the rug will lift. Let me tell you something about doing the work… it’s fucking hard. If it were easy, everyone and their mamas’ would be doing it but based on the reality of our world, it’s WAY easier to NOT do the work and numb our selves with false realities and masks.
Want to know the #1 drug most people are addicted to? It’s called being the victim.
When you’re the victim, you rid yourself from any responsibility you have to do the work. Which is fine, if you want to live a life deep rooted in pain. But that will never be an option for me.
My happiness depends on the work I do. My relationships depend on the work I do. My mission depends on the work that I do.
There’s no option B. There’s only option A.
So I raised my hand for help, and started doing the work. I kicked and screamed throughout the process. I remembered things in my past I’d rather never revisit. I uncovered tremendous truths, insights and revelations that (now seeing more clearly) I couldn’t imagine not having.
I re-opened chapters of my life, closed them and re-opened them again to see what I missed. I took the pieces I needed and let go of what I didn’t… and if I resisted letting go, I had the help of mentors and close people to help me.
I uncovered deeper meanings that helped me remove some of the filters of my life that kept me stuck. I told the truth. Which I thought would be easy as I would usually say I’m an honest person… but it was the hardest fucking thing to do. Telling the truth of your soul is no walk in the park and takes tremendous courage, but it’s also the most rewarding.
I finally took time to listen to the little girl inside of me that was living in pain and fear and worked on healing her. She was innocent and hurt and was forced to grow up at a young age, but she was still fearful and unintentionally kept me holding on. Which came out in control.
This year I took the Ho’oponopono Prayer to heart.
I said I’m sorry.
I said please forgive me.
I said thank you.
I said I love you.
Is there anyone you need to say this to? Say it.
Write it now. Tell them now. Or send it in form of a prayer to someone.
As we all wrap up this year, I stand very confident to say, I hope you let go of your goals. WHAT? Yes. Stop focusing on your goals for a sec. I hope instead you are driven most by the truth.
Self-awareness is the biggest gift you can give yourself. And self-awareness comes from telling the truth! The more self-aware we are, the more we align ourselves with the things that matter most.
So was, 2016 a hard fucking year for most. YES! But it was also the year of change. It was the year of hard truths. It was the year of tying loose ends. It was the year of sadness and grief but that shows us just how much we are able to LOVE.
May we honor those we lost this year and live our best life in their names. May we strive to live with integrity and always a do what’s right for ourselves and for humanity. May we have the courage to always do the work even when it’s easier to blame. May we let love fill our hearts and give it to someone in need. May you always know how loved you really are.
Thank you 2016 for being as tough as you were because without you, we may not be as ready to make the necessary changes. I trust the loved ones we lost were needed to be the great guides of our new world.
I am ready to not just see what 2017 has for me, but what I have for 2017.
I love you all and hope you have a beautiful New Years!
RIP Grandpa Hollis and great Uncle B.J.: You both were always so close and it shows. You are among the greats, hero’s and the people we’d only hope to aim for. Thank you Grandpa for the significant role you played in my life. You are single handedly the reason I have aimed so high in everything I do. I will never get over losing you.
Sarah Dcruz SAYS:
Loved this! Came into the NY celebrarionsy feeling lost you always have the direction I’ve so badly searched for my 25 years of life since discovering you through ashy bines you have inspired me so fkn much all the best for 2017 miss