I appreciate women. I really do. I’m both intoxicated and maddened by their whimsical behavior and waves of emotion. I’m inspired by their courage and vulnerability. I love the beauty they bring into the world with their spirits.
I love how a woman in her feminine essence, whether my adorable two-year-old niece or a woman I’m crazy about, softens my heart, makes me slow down and savor the moments of life more. Even at a young age, there’s magical, mysterious and amazing between the sexes and the way we feel about the fairer sex. Watch this video to catch a glimpse.
I also feel for women, because so many of them seem to wonder where all the good men have gone. Many more unconsciously neuter the man they love, a man who if he felt appreciated would run through a burning building for his woman. Others, can’t get out of their own head and their own way to attract and keep the man they want.
Today’s dating world is eminently more complicated in the world of often seemingly genderless roles and confusion where both sexes seem to play both roles at times.
Note: I’m not even going to talk about the fellas as we have a whole host of other mistakes that I might tackle in another blog. I’ve made my share of mistakes in not being a man enough to be vulnerable, to pursue courageously, and I’ve allowed a woman I loved to neuter me with her behavior and words at times.
These 11 principles in no particular order are from life experience from what I’ve experienced from girls I’ve dated, what’s attracted or repelled me, from the multiple relationship conferences I’ve attended where I’ve learned from some of the world’s best, and from the countless books I’ve read on this subject.
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, they are helpful in attracting the man you desire and on cultivating the love you long for:
1. Honor His Vulnerability
When a man has truly opened up to you, he’s exposed his heart to you like no one else. Remember, on average a man is not as relationally adept, aware, and connected as a woman. The depth of women’s relationships is typically much deeper. Honor his heart and feelings as he’s likely not opened up like that to many people.
2. Trade Expectations for Gratitude
In the beginning, in the honeymoon stage, a couple is so appreciative of each other and what they’re doing. As time goes on, we begin to take each other for granted. We begin to expect instead of appreciating. “If we did what we did, in the beginning, there would be no ending.”
3. Radiate & Bring Beauty into the World instead of Focusing Primarily on Getting Shit Done
A friend of mine, a highly successful woman (career-wise) walks, talks and lives like her passion is to get shit done. She crushes it. But she talks like she has a machine gun mouth and drinks out of a water bottle like a linebacker. Playfully, I’ve been gently encouraging her to shift her focus from, getting shit done, to ask herself, “how can I bring a little more beauty, a little more joy to this moment?”
4. Appreciate Not Attack Each Other for Your Differences
Girls, you’re really different from us in general. And we are not just hairy women. Nor are you a more emotional man. In fact, we’re really different. Doesn’t mean either of us is less valuable or capable. If both sexes took the time to understand and appreciate each other’s differences and unique struggles, we’d love and adore each other more instead of trying to control the other.
One expert, I’d recommend more than anyone, Allison Armstrong has books, audios and conferences (co-ed too) that really focuses on this subject. I’ve seen marriages transform and find new life first hand from her material. She used to be one who would emasculate men and turn her princes into frogs. Now, she’s one of the best in the world at cultivating the love, understanding, and respect between the sexes.
5. Trade Bitterness for Love & Grace
I fell hard for a girl last year who was a gem in so many ways. But as we got deeper into the relationship, I realized there was a cancer. The cancer was the bitterness she harbored towards her dad and herself for mistakes she had made. Inevitably, the bitterness seeped into our relationship. I’m proud to say she had a breakthrough about a month after we broke up and her heart was cleansed.
6. Be Vulnerable, Not Needy
This takes great courage and tact. It’s not easy for a woman to risk her heart and her feelings. But when a girl that a man really likes is vulnerable, it inspires a man to protect, to love, to serve. One of my best friends was inspired to pursue a girl who is now his wife because she risked vulnerability and shared her heart with her desire to adopt within the next year even if she was single. And now they have two adorable kids of their own and are on five years of marriage.
7. Champion not Compete
Men compete with other men, we don’t want to consistently compete with someone we’re romantically interested in, other than playful teasing. The moment you start competing is the moment you start killing the intimacy. When a man feels like a woman he loves and adores is no longer an ally but a competitor, it’s no longer safe for him to be vulnerable. He will clam up emotionally and eventually he’ll move on.
8. Make it Easy for Him to Succeed & to be Your Hero
Allison Armstrong mentions how if a man feels like his odds of making his woman happy are next to impossible, he will give up. There’s nothing more in the world that a man in love with a woman wants to do than make her happy. If he feels like failure is near certain, in his spirit he must move on if her heart isn’t going to change.
My longest term relationship-I ultimately gave up and ended the relationship when I felt I had no way to succeed with the girl I was with as she was stuck in this gutter of unhappiness that I couldn’t pull her out of. Remember his desire is to please you and make you happy…even more he wants to be your Hero.
9. Invite & Signal to Him, Don’t Chase Him
In the Renaissance era, women would stroll around in their giant dresses and intentionally but subtly drop a handkerchief while walking near a man they were interested in. The man would, of course, see the dropped garment and stop to pick it up then bring it to her and introduce himself.
Today, most men will not approach a woman they are drawn to unless she has sent him clear signals to approach. If you like a guy, let him know. Tinder and other dating sites certainly act as modern social lubricants, but even on those sites, still, create space for him to pursue-even write it in your profile.
10. Let Him Plan, but Don’t Criticize if He Does it Imperfectly
I have friends that have essentially given up on trying to be romantic and plan something great for his woman because he has tried and failed in meeting her lofty standard. If a guy gives a valiant effort, genuinely sought to be thoughtful and romantic when it’s not his strong suit, but he’s harshly criticized for not going as far or top notch as she’d like, how inspired will he be the next round? Find appreciation in the effort. He’ll be inspired to do even more next time if he feels appreciated.
11. You Get What You Tolerate in Life
If he’s going to be a pansy at the beginning, he’s going to be a pansy throughout the relationship. Gently but firmly let a man know what you want, how you expect to be treated. Also, be more aware of what you’ll tolerate from yourself and correct yourself when you stumble. We’re not asking for perfection as you’ll never get that. But have a good baseline of normal behavior that you’ll tolerate from yourself and him. Take time to write that out right now if you’ve been tolerating crap from yourself and the guys you’ve dated.
I hope you’ve enjoyed these and find them useful. I’d love to hear your thoughts and any additions. Other recommended books for understanding a man’s world, Wild at Heart, the Way of a Superior Man and His Needs, Her Needs.
For more thoughts from me, check out the new ebook I just have written, Resurrecting the Modern Gentleman, http://tinyurl.com/nuharml, in preparation for my clothing line launch in March, www.weartrim.com.