This week I had the chance to talk to a few people regarding their intimate relationships and in so, I had an epiphany. One that is so common sense but still the reason why so many relationships END or even worse, continue down an agonizing path.
How often do you check in with your spouse about what you both need from each other? If you do, are the ways you are communicating both effective and productive? My last question, do you find yourself going into these types of discussions having the best intentions of being calm and loving to your partner, but in a moments time, both of you are bringing out your “swords?”
What I find about relationships that can’t get their shit together usually begins with the style in which they both communicate. What I mean by this is we all have our own styles and the goal is not to become the same person in order to communicate but to communicate in a way that all hearts can understand.
And lucky you, I have the secret! SHHHH! Don’t tell anyone…
1. Put your weapons down
Un-arm yourself completely before you go into having a discussion. I don’t care what type of discussion you both have. How can you truly get into a “heart to heart” when both of you are preparing for battle? In no way can you reach each other’s hearts if you are thinking about the next thing you are going to come back with as well as defend your intentions, thoughts, and actions to the end. Get over yourself! What I mean is, get your “ego” out of the F***’n way! In the end what you have to defend is not nearly as important as what you may be losing. Especially should it be your soul mate?
Secondly, if you are the type of person who thinks you are going to avoid any potential arguments or pain by not communicating at all, you are creating the perfect recipe for disaster! You can’t possibly see the full potential of a relationship if you shut your significant other out, or worse of all, shut yourself out because that is what you are doing when you don’t communicate things you want or hear your significant partner tell you how to be successful with them. Beyond that, I see many partners building major resistant to each other because they hold back what is truly important to them.
3. Stop with the drama
For real, unless you are an actor/actress, on Broadway, or auditioning for a bad soap opera, there is absolutely NO need to bring the dramatics into your relationship. There should be no throwing of inanimate objects, name calling, door slamming, floor sobbing, or even worse threats of hurting one’s self. Just stop! For the sake of all, that’s good in this world. You will go nowhere in your relationship doing this.
Remember the goal is to practice being in a place where you both are communicating in a way that is going to give the best results.
CHALLENGE: “The love list”
If you are in a relationship: With your partner, write a list of needs you have for the relationship. What ways do you feel loved? What does your partner have to do to make this happen?
If you are single: This is an excellent time for you to do the same. You actually have a chance to create a standard for your next mate. Also, look over your list and see if there is anything you listed that may make it hard to attract the right mate. Is there anything contradictory to what your values are and so on.
Love List RULES:
If you are in a relationship, write these lists separate from each other, and schedule an uninterrupted time to discuss what you both have listed. Notice I said, “Discuss.” Do not simply hand the list over hoping they understand it and will implement accordingly. NO! You must discuss this in an effective way. Most importantly, leave your weapons (egos) at the door. If you are single, again, schedule an uninterrupted time to write this for yourself.
Have fun and remember communication is the most important part of building a lasting relationship.