Question:
“I’m looking for some advice and guidance. I’m 25 and have been with my fiancé for 2 years plus. We have a great relationship, and he is a great partner. The issue is that I often become quite insecure. Every relationship I’ve had in the past, I have been cheated on. So now, even though I trust my partner I still worry that he will leave me for someone “better.” I think this also stems from feelings of not being good enough as well.
My partner is very patient with me around this, but I want to change my mind set. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, and I don’t want to be a burden on our relationship. I worry he will become tired of my insecurities, and leave me because of them.
Some examples of ways I show my insecurities is by feeling like I need reassurance and attention. Feeling that he doesn’t love me, or he’s angry with me even when he says he does love me and nothing is wrong. Asking him about friends and co-workers, and joking that he’s cheating on me with them.
Any advice on this would be great! I’m currently up to chapter 7 of your book as well.”
ANSWER:
I hope you are enjoying the book babe!
Relationships are all opportunities for us to learn more about ourselves. So don’t beat yourself up too much for the hurts past relationships have caused you.
With that said, we also can’t hold onto past hurts and punish our current partners. That’s just not fair and is also a way of threatening our relationships.
Threatening your relationship is a big NO NO! Yet we do a form of this without knowing we are WHILE fixating on how our spouse could be threatening us? Crazy right?!
In every relationship we participate in, it’s our job to take responsibility for how we show up. Giving someone the power over our happiness (in this case, our security) is NEVER the right play. The fact that you don’t trust your partner ultimately says, you don’t trust YOURSELF.
Let me say that again, when we accuse our partners of our greatest fears, we ultimately say, I don’t trust myself enough to choose the right partner.
Now, in this case, you say you’re in a good relationship but caught up on past baggage, so if this is the truth there are a few things I’d suggest you ask yourself….
What is it that you ultimately want to feel in this relationship? (loved, wanted, appreciated, sexy, worthy): What is your insecure behavior trying to cry out for? What I’ve learned is the feelings we ultimately try to achieve are never wrong, its the BEHAVIORS we get wrapped into while trying to achieve our most desired feelings are what sabotage our relationships.
How can YOU take control over these feelings?: For example, if you just want to feel appreciated or worthy, how can you start appreciating yourself? What things can you do to start building confidence so that your less reliant on others to feel worthy?
What kind of woman do you want to be and can this relationship cater to that? If so, then do things everyday that caters to the woman you ultimately want to be. The more you take over who you are, the more trust you will have for the decisions you make, as well as for your spouse.
What expectations can you let go of?: One of the key KILLERS of relationships are expectations. You’ve heard me talk about this before but it’s true. How can you start appreciating the man you are with instead of harping on what he’s not doing?
What can you thank your past relationships for?: Sure you’ve been hurt in the past but like I said before, relationships are blessings and opportunities. So what did you learn about yourself through these relationships that you can thank them for? If you’re going to blame them for the bad, you have to also blame them for the good.
Release the baggage and stories you keep holding onto so that you can stop re-living it with your current partner. He doesn’t deserve to be punished for the hurts of others.
I hope this helps babe! You are worthy and you are loved, learn to trust the goddess that lives within you. Once you start honoring her, I have no doubt you will be able to open up this relationship.
