QUESTION:
“A topic that comes to mind and wanted to see if it’s possible to discuss, concerns both the male and the female in the relationship. Let’s take the male for example. How acceptable is it when he’s sitting with his guy friends and a group of women passes by and he starts talking in front of his friends how fine she is and how he would totally sleep with her.
You know, the “guy” talks. When does it become inappropriate and disrespectful to the other partner when he’s talking about inappropriate things in front of his friends who know he’s in a relationship? Or is it an exaggeration and completely normal to happen between guys (and girls if we were to take the female example)?
That’s what I would like to learn more about. Thank you in advance!”
ANSWER:
As a coach, I like diving into the gray areas as most questions need a little more context for me to assess what it is you are ultimately asking. But… my immediate gut response is this…
If your significant other is talking about how someone is fuckable…. That shows, not only a lack of respect for the relationship but also shows the language of someone who values his friend’s perception of him over his significant other., which might cause problems in the future.
It is completely normal for people to appreciate the beauty in others. And to answer the second part of your question, YES I think saying someone is beautiful or “OMG HOT” is absolutely ok, but again… CONTEXT IS KEY.
If you were with your girlfriends and saw a hot guy, I think it’s important to look at the language you use to describe what you are seeing.
If you are saying, “I’d love to fuck that” that might mean, there is a desire you are looking to experience with someone. Desire is not a bad thing though. Actually, desire is what keeps passion in relationships.
However, your LANGUAGE towards one another shows the amount of respect (or lack of) you have for your relationship.
If there is something you’d like to bring to the relationship, it is important to communicate your needs to your partner, or better, introduce it!
Back to the question at hand though, I think it’s really important we look at our “standards” in relationships, and make sure who we are with, matches our values. Intimacy is all about our values. They actually allow safety into our desires.
Why do I say safety? Because if a woman doesn’t feel safe, she will feel she cannot EXPLORE who she is sexually.
How does this all relate though? Because if we get with people who don’t have our best interest at heart, and use disrespectful language out with friends, it will be quite hard to feel you trust someone.
Without trust, it is very easy for both partners to shut down sexually. Sex is very intimate and requires respect and trust, but if you know your spouse is saying things like, “I’d like to sleep with her…” THIS. IS. THREATENING. LANGUAGE.
How much are you going to trust the person you are with?
And if he’s doing it just to be cool with friends, to me, (again as a coach I’d dive deeper with this) shows a lack of integrity.
So I guess your next question is… NOW, WHAT?
If you asked this question, it obviously means it bothers you in some way, so here are some things that could help:
Discuss it with your spouse: If you feel you are being disrespected or threatened in the relationship, it’s always a good idea to communicate your feelings in a calm and effective way. Our spouse may not mean any harm with this behavior and could learn get a bit more information into their psyche which could lead you to have a more open dialogue into what your needs are.
What standards have you been neglecting?: If this behavior makes you uneasy, there are usually other behaviors you have been overlooking. Which means there might be some “settling” you are doing in your relationship. So take a look deeper at some of the standards that could be affected by overlooking behaviors that cater to your distrust?
Stop making excuses for things that make you uncomfortable: Your words… “is it an exaggeration and completely normal to happen between guys?” It doesn’t matter if it’s an exaggeration. If it affects you, it affects you and is worthy of a discussion. There’s no reason to hold your tongue if you feel your values are being compromised.
I hope my 2 two cents can help babe! Again, I think it’s worth having a discussion over but also, there’s a difference between noting someone’s beauty and disrespecting a relationship.
