Wanna know what we asked a world-renowned sexologist? Well, the truth is we wanted to ask her A LOT of things but we limited it to what we felt was important for women to know! In this interview we talk about her take on 50 Shades Grey; Things that stop us from having the sex we deserve; And why living a sexual life is important!
TLC: First of all, I’d like to just share with these beautiful ladies how much I truly adore you! Seriously, I mean the first time I saw you speak I was enamored with your ability to make such a taboo, and sadly but often times, a very uncomfortable subject for women into something that feels empowering! With that said, what is the most limiting belief women have regarding sex or their sexuality?
Jaiya: The most limiting belief I see is that women think they are broken – Broken because they can’t have an orgasm, broken because they aren’t happy in sex, broken because they don’t know what they want, broken because they don’t look like a supermodel. The truth is that they aren’t broken, they just haven’t been taught about their bodies, turn-ons, and sexuality.
TLC: Where do think these negative beliefs come from?
Jaiya: Poor mentorship and education about sex and relationships. I ask audiences all over the world if they had a good sex education and maybe 1% of the audience will raise their hands. We all had sex education, but it came from parents who had shame, religious morals, or cultures steeped in “be a good girl”. The messages we receive about sex and our bodies have not been positive ones.
TLC: I know it’s not as easy as a snap of a finger to change these beliefs, but in your practice, how do you help women to start letting go?
Jaiya: First we determine what their sexual blueprint is. A sexual blueprint sheds the light on their arousal patterns and the beliefs, a physical and biochemical issue that may be standing in the way of a great sex life, and a loving relationship.
There are five Blueprints, much like languages of arousal: Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky and Shapeshifter. Next, we have had to do a combination of education about the body and a re-wiring of the psyche to get in touch with the Empowered Erotic Persona within each woman.
TLC: You often teach the archetypes of sexuality. First, could you list them with a brief description? Also, why is this so important for women to know and own? I will say it made me feel relieved when I learned my archetype!
Jaiya: I mentioned them above. There are 5 different types.
Turned on by space, tease, and anticipation.
Turned on by comfort, relaxation and all the senses ignited.
Turned on by nudity and flat-out sexual intercourse.
Turned on by the taboo and power play.
Turned on by all of the above.
When I say turn on it is not so much mental turn on as much as it is a physical turn on. Each type likes different kinds of touch. When you know your blueprint you will understand more fully what you need to achieve satisfaction in the bedroom, and how to communicate with your partner about what you want.
It is also good to look at compatibility with a partner. For example, if he is a Sexual and you are an Energetic, you may find yourself overwhelmed with too much too fast, and so you short circuit, go into fight or flight and shut down or push him away.
TLC: Where could they go to read or watch more on your lesson about this?
Jaiya: I have a quiz you can take to determine your blueprint at my website, or my event Path to Passion will take you through a process to determine what your blueprint is. It’s a great weekend designed to help you understand sexuality and relationships even more deeply.
TLC: Ok! As you know 50 Shades of Grey became a huge hit with 3 books and now, the first release of the movie. I have a kazillion questions to ask you about but I will try to limit to a few! Haha!!
A. Have you read the books and seen the movie? Which did you like best and why?
B. With the rave reviews about the books comes, obviously, negative responses from critics who find the books and movie are thoroughly offensive to women. What do you have to say about this? Do you find the story sexually degrading to women? (Please shed some light)
C. I know in your newest book “Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied” you go into the world of power play in the bedroom making “sexual fantasies a safe reality” (I love that quote)! Talk about some of the things you write about in this book and can any woman no matter sexual archetype play with these concepts?
Jaiya: Yes, I have read the books and I have seen the movie. I hate to admit this but as a fantasy piece (and we have to remember that this is a fantasy piece) I actually liked the movie better. As I am sure you have heard the book was not a great piece of literary art. I thought they did a pretty good job with the movie.
Yes, there is a lot of criticism, but I see a lot it coming from people who do not understand BDSM or Kink, and who have a sex-negative view, to begin with. Of course, there is also criticism from the BDSM community because it doesn’t accurately portray a healthy kink relationship.
Here’s my view: We have to stop getting our panties in a twist. It’s a movie. It’s a fantasy. And the fantasy is one that triggers the female brain for turn on. It has all the elements of mystery, obstacle, and naughtiness that create attraction. It isn’t an educational documentary and people shouldn’t take it as such – don’t go home and try kink without some kind of in-depth education.
Here’s a suggestion: read the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice (Great literature) or watch the Secretary with James Spader. In Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied I cover the different erotic Blueprints (archetypes) and also how to unleash your Erotically Empowered Personas. If you are interested in uncovering more about your sexuality, what you really want and how to ask for it, and you are interested in bedroom play then you will enjoy this book. I also cover a lot of my personal story as my partner and I discover kinky sex together.
TLC: What advice do you have for ladies who are unsatisfied sexually in their relationship? Maybe they absolutely love and like their partners but don’t feel the sexual chemistry between them as much. Is this normal?
Jaiya: It is not normal to loose the sexual chemistry (well maybe normal because you’ve never been taught how to keep it in a long-term relationship or how to get what you want when it comes to sexual satisfaction).
1. Get your butt to my event Path to Passion – Really, in the 2-day event I cover this exact issue.
2. Uncover both of your blueprints.
3. Get your Polarity back.
4. Consciously Create Mystery, Obstacle, and Naughtiness.
5. Adventure Dates.
6. Prioritization/Challenges/ Sexual Learning Labs etc.
7. Learn how to effectively communicate what you want in a way that increases connection instead of criticism.
8. Get Healthy- hormones checked, pain in check, energy up, etc.
9. Get some sex education so that you know how to please each other in your blueprints.
10. Uncover what really pleases you and what you want- so that you can ask for it.
TLC: Why is living a sexual life important for a woman to do?
Jaiya: I could list hundreds of benefits, but here are a few:
- Orgasms are good for your health and longevity
- Sexual aliveness = overall aliveness and vitality
- Orgasms boost mood and lower pain
- You get a hot juicy relationship instead of one that is stale, rote or mediocre
- Sex Hormones = Youth Hormones
- You can use sexual energy to awaken creativity
- When you are sexually alive you have more charisma and people are attracted to that
- You can manifest things deemed impossible (yes, I used sexual energy to manifest my dreams – even did an experiment where I tripled my income through orgasm)
- I’ve seen couples go from dead to full of passion and joy all from awakening sexual aliveness in them
TLC: What are your favorite sex toys and where can our ladies get them?
Jaiya: My Hands! Really! But if I had to give you a few I would add the following (they are all in my sexy play kit):
- Liberator Shapes and Fascinator Throw Liberator
- N-Joy Pure Wand Anything by Nobessence
- Embrace Massage Wand by Cal Exotics
- Some good nylon rope from the hardware store
- Mindfold Blindfold
- Feather Dusters
- Stock Room’s Flex Whip Smart Balls by Fun Factory
- Coconut Oil
- Scandal Line (good for beginners) from Cal Exotics
- Faux Fur Floggers by Firebird Floggers (find on Etsy)
- Random kitchen utensils for sensation play
- The Intensity – to rehab your pelvic floor muscles
TLC: Here at TLC we are ALL about relationships! Not just intimately but really everything we do is always for a relationship. What do relationships mean to you and how has that aided to your overall fulfillment in life?
Jaiya: Relationships are a spiritual path. A relationship is an area where we can do incredible personal growth, experience deep love, and unbridled passion. In a relationship, we get to contribute and bear witness to another human beings life.
To me relationships are everything. I highly value my relationship with my significant other and that means that I prioritize it. He is number one and I do all I can to lift him up and support him in life. Having this as a huge priority makes me a happier more fulfilled person. I’ve had some experiences in a relationship that would blow your mind…
TLC: Now for the fun one! What is your guilty pleasure?
Jaiya: Salted Carmel Ice Cream made organic and sugar-free by the Jing Slingers, Long Walks in the Forest, Cryotherapy, Colonics, Chiropractic (I’m addicted!), and S-Factor Retreats.
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