Are you in an unhappy damaged relationship and feel alienated from your partner? Do you feel like you are in a ‘dead end’ road and can’t see things getting better? Do you think your partner doesn’t understand you or care about what’s important to you? Do you struggle to understand him? Is love the reason you hang on and try to change things, but you just don’t know how?
If you can relate to any or all of the questions above, or simply feel that the communication in your relationship needs to improve, I suggest you read this article till the end. I strongly believe that what I talk about and advise you to implement will be beneficial to making any type of relationship work. Well, only if the person on the other side isn’t some sort of a heartless and impossible to get on with a zombie. Zombies are not my expertise.
Try my methods for some time and see if they work. If they don’t, you better run for the hills. You are wasting your time!
I have come to realize that there are several components needed for human relationships and human interactions to be successful. They are based on Universal principles that are set in stone and cannot be broken.
If there are issues in your relationship, the problem generally stems from the communication or lack of communication between you and your partner. And here is no place to put the blame on you or him. It takes two to tango. In some relationships, one person can be the entire problem, it happens, I know, but it is very rare that this is the case.
The truth is that who is at fault doesn’t even matter. What matters is you saying to yourself, “I am not happy with how things are, how can I make things better?”
If you have looked within and made all the right changes to the way you are and the way you communicate with your other half, but things are still not working out, then you can walk away knowing that the problem was definitely not you and that you did your best. But can you really say this is the case now? Have you really tried?
It doesn’t matter if your partner is the absolute worst, (but if he is, then why are you with him anyway)? All that matters is you taking charge of the situation and becoming the leader of your life.
People who are in charge of their lives don’t ever point fingers.
They understand that if something is going on that they are unsatisfied with, it’s their job to do something about it. Their happiness or lack of happiness is their own responsibility. We choose how to live and who to be with. Time to ‘man up’ and admit that it’s your own choices that led you to where you are.
Here are some conscious ways to begin repairing a damaged relationship:
Where to start:
Stop blaming him! This is what the majority of people in relationships do. They just blame each other for everything and wonder why nothing ever changes. Look within and understand that you have enormous power to influence your surrounding world and the people in it. You can totally create your reality into what you want it to be.
Once you take responsibility for your current situation and ask yourself: “What can I do to make things better?” is when you begin to use the power of understanding to try and re-build the trust and openness you once had with your man.
Human beings have one main desire in life that is strongly connected to our emotional system. This desire is the desire to be understood.
Unfortunately, what we fail to do at times is to understand others, yet we want the same. Even if you think you do, I can guarantee you are guilty of judging others instead of trying to understand them as much as all of us are. I am sure you have done it more than a gazillion times in your life. None of us are perfect!
How to do the work:
Here is how you can start working on bettering your relationship by becoming more understanding of your partner’s feelings, views, and needs. If you haven’t passed the stage of accepting responsibility, there is no need to try and implement any of the advice that follows. It is absolutely essential for anything else to work. But keep in mind, you are not taking responsibility for your partner’s actions, you are taking responsibility for the fact you are unhappy in your relationship.
Anyone can influence another person in a positive way, and the power of understanding will help you do just that. You can change the way you communicate with your partner so significantly, that you inspire something in him to change too. Adopt the mindset of a leader and you can transform everything around you for the better. Trust me, I know!
We all have an entire Universe inside of our heads. We have lived our lives, gone through our experiences, met different people, installed a hundred million different programs in our brains, and created many beliefs and ‘own truths’. You have and so has your other half. And because of this, we all view the world through our own lenses. We tend to believe that ‘Our truth’ is ‘The truth’.
We are never wise enough to understand that ‘Our truth’ is only ‘Our truth’ and others have their truths, which may be valid too. We are so preoccupied with our ego and making ourselves happy that we forget to accept that others are important, and we need to accept them and their views, the way we desire them to do too.
Start with you. Don’t wait for your partner to become more understanding. Be more understanding!
How to have open communication:
Regardless of what he does or says, switch off from how it makes you feel and do the following instead:
When communicating, listen fully and hear everything that’s being said to you. DO NOT INTERRUPT! See the entire picture and make sure you understand exactly what your partner is trying to tell you.
If something is unclear, ask questions to make sure you are not missing anything out. Small details can change everything. Once you have heard and understood him completely, you can reply. (Listening 70% – Talking 30%)
To fully listen and understand when you are being spoken to, make sure you don’t allow what is being said to ignite a fire in you that will influence your reply. Whenever we respond from our emotional brain, it is always the wrong response. Stay strong, and show you value the points he is making.
If your partner says something to you that irritates you or hurts you in any way, shape or form, it is rarely as bad as you interpret it. Or even if it is, try to understand that clearly he is also hurt. Hence why he is projecting pain onto you.
Happy people don’t intentionally hurt others, do they? It takes a strong person to be this way. Be this strong person. It will benefit you in ways you won’t believe.
Remain cool, calm and collected the entire time. Show empathy and care no matter what is being said. When you lose it, your partner loses it, and that’s how bombs explode. This is why people just don’t get along these days. They don’t communicate like adults, but instead, they allow that monkey inside their brain to run around screaming, breaking things and responding on their behalf.
If your partner is the one who is starting to raise his voice and speed of talking, continue to remain calm. Watch how shocking this will be to him, especially the first time. He is so used to you not listening ‘properly’ that he will think he is dreaming. But most importantly, watch how you being this way will influence him to be this way too. This is what I was talking about previously. You really do have enormous power to create the world around you in a way that serves you best.
Do not be judgmental. The one thing that gets to people the most in life is being judged. Being judged threatens our inner sense of security so much that when it happens, it puts us right in front of our internal gates, dressed in knight armor, with swords in each hand.
The second you judge your partner, you lose his trust and you put him in defense mode. The conversation from then on becomes destructive. And this is what he very possibly does to you too when you argue or have a heated conversation.
You should be your other half’s ‘safe house’. Approach your next conversation with this mindset and observe the effect it has on everything. Regardless of what he is saying to you, fully put yourself in his shoes and show empathy and complete understanding even if it somehow threatens your own sense of security. But don’t pretend that you do. Really Do!
The best way to approach this is to imagine stepping outside of your body and just being an observer from the side who is there to help the couple. Respond as if you are that third party that is completely oblivious to the internal worlds of the two parties and is only interested in what is being said at the time.
When you respond with your rational brain whilst showing a complete understanding of your partner’s feelings and views, you respond in such a positive and mature way, that you, on the spot, change everything. Your partner can’t react negatively to this treatment. There is no way. You will straight away put him at ease and tell him he is safe to put his guard down and open up. And that’s when you will see the biggest magic happen – he will transform right before your eyes. Well, he should do… Unless he is a zombie…
Breakdown in Perception:
Don’t forget, as I previously said, that your perception of the world and his perception of the world are very different, hence why things are not working out between the two of you. The way to deal with this is to stop feeling threatened by the way he sees things but to just accept it. You accepting his points of view as valid, no matter how different and contradicting they are to yours, doesn’t mean you agree. It means you respect and values his free will. You are not him. He is allowed to be himself. And so are you!
As I already mentioned, the first time you communicate with your partner with this new mindset, he may be a little shocked. He may think you have been inhaling fumes from Bob Marley’s pipe, but he’ll get used to it. In fact, he’ll get used to it so much, that it will change him from the inside out.
One very important thing I have to say to you if you are to make this work is this: Silence Your Ego. Do not allow anything that is being said to you to mess with your emotions. Be a side observer, not influenced by your actual perception of the situation and the world. Practice this. It may take time, but it’s absolutely vital.
Always respond as if you aren’t taking anything personally. Communicate back calmly and empathetically. If there are important things you have to get across to him, do so in the most peaceful way possible. If it starts to ignite a fire in him regardless of how smooth and relaxed you are, it is absolutely essential that you remain this way. If you don’t, it’s over…
Something you can say to him in such a situation is:
“I just listened to everything you said and I totally get you, can I kindly ask that you let me talk, listen to me and fully understand me before you respond. I value and respect how you feel. You are important to me, please allow me to tell you how I feel and we can discuss it together afterward. Will you allow me to? Please?”
STAY IN CONTROL!
Just saying this in a calm way, whilst being ignorant to hurtful or annoying things he said or did, will ensure you take control of the situation and steer it in the most beneficial direction for the both of you. Don’t forget, he doesn’t know about the changes in you. He still thinks you are that woman you were before you read this. It will take him time to adjust. It will take him time to learn from you and become the same way.
If in your case the problem isn’t in the communication, but in the lack of it, you can still use everything I advise here. Tell your partner you want to talk. Sit down with him and become that ‘safe house’ he once saw in you again. Take the lead. Let him open up to you. It’s very possible he is holding so much pain inside and he’s missed his friend he once could talk to about anything. Regardless of what happens, do not let your emotions take over. Stick with the plan!
I think this article has enough information to help you begin to improve your relationship right away. It won’t be possible for everyone to implement my methods. It takes a real leader to do all this. Real leaders always take charge of everything that is going on in their lives and never point fingers. Real leaders influence the world around them positively and are not influenced by the world around them negatively.
Don’t Take Anything Personally:
Silence your ego, that crazy monkey in your head, and become that great friend to your partner he initially felt you were. This will be hard if you are feeling hurt by him, but you have to try. Be the bigger person.
If he doesn’t respond positively to this, give it time. I am sure that it will work if your partner is worth it. If it doesn’t work, he isn’t worth it. Because I can’t imagine a single beautiful human being out there who won’t respond to this great treatment in a great way, even if it takes time.
No matter how angry, hurt and disappointed we are, if we are being fully understood and allowed to have our opinions without feeling threatened, we feel safe enough to allow our best sides to show.
An extremely important point I have to make is that if your core values don’t correspond to your partner’s core values, this relationship will never work. Using my methods should improve the communication between you and him, but this doesn’t guarantee the relationship will be a success. Communication is vital but not the only important thing for two people to work well as one.
If you and your partner both allow each other to be who you are, to have your opinions without feeling bad about it, to respect and value each other and behave like mature adults, but it still isn’t working out, then you clearly aren’t a match. With this great new mentality, you both can walk away in a peaceful and friendly manner, and remain on good terms. You have discovered you just don’t work together. You tried, you communicated, and you both did your best. Time to move on without creating World War 3 in the process.
If you have tried what I suggested and your partner doesn’t respond positively to it, you might need to walk away. You deserve to be with someone better suited to you. If you are the greatest partner you can be to someone and they don’t appreciate it and see how precious you are, be strong enough to end things.
Know your worth, always!
Look within, improve daily, never point a finger and blame anyone for how you feel and watch how the Universe becomes your greatest friend and starts to co-create a beautiful, soul-satisfying and enriching world for you to exist in.
Hope this help Ladies
~ Hellie Flow
“I think for any relationship to be successful, there needs to be loving communication, appreciation, and understanding.” – Miranda Kerr