Truth be told, I wasn’t sure my relationship was going to make it last year. I was looking at this man that I was head over heels in love with and yet I was ready to scream his head off every moment. We were walking on eggshells and it wasn’t the love story I signed up for. “How did I get here?” I wondered.
I’m a freaking life coach and I can’t even keep my shit together and balance intimacy behind closed doors?
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now, and for four of those, we decided to build businesses together and alongside each other. Before I go too much further into this story, I am happy to say we are now happy and healthy, we made it through the storm to find our spark again. The rainbow always needs the storm you all. If your relationship feels hard right now but you know in your core that love is still there it is okay. This is simply life and it’s seasons, it does not have to be the end of the line.
If you’re building a business right now you know the roller coaster that is entrepreneurship. It’s the wildest ride of my life, it is the most epic personal development path you can take. If you are in a relationship or have been in one you also know it is a wild ride and epic growth journey in itself. Put them together and you basically have the mega-coaster!
We got so caught up in building the business we love, checking off goals so that we could design the lifestyle we truly desired that we forgot about our foundations. The constant hustle led to burning out, the busyness of checking off every to-do each day led to no time for intimacy at night or any time in the day for that matter.
The contrasts of our skill set caused some frustration; me being a life coach and a lifelong dreamer – I want to try everything that sounds fun at least once, I want to follow my intuition and know that will always serve me best. He is an analytical mind, the logic keeps him grounded and things should look right on paper before he dives in.
Not only were we in this business partner kind of dance but hello, life was happening too. We both went through some pretty serious personal losses last year, and neither of us was open to talking through our process because there was just so much to get done.
One day we finally looked at each other and said, we have to clean this up or we will grow apart. So we did. We don’t have it perfect, no one does really. But we did take a big mess, on the brink of explosion back into balance and honestly, and I do not say this lightly… better than ever before. This is not a fluffy statement from a fairytale, this is because we chose to grow through the storm, that is where resilience comes from, that is where the strength lies.
Here are five things we can do to balance our intimacy while working together as a couple:
1. Space for communication
This should really be the foundation for all relationships from the beginning. We were “too busy” to spend time being vulnerable together. By mutually and unconsciously deciding that we were saying that this relationship was not a priority. Notice I said unconsciously there, maybe you’re not aware that you’ve put your relationship on the back burner until now.
Lightbulb! Is this relationship growing together or growing apart? Make space to talk about not just the things going on between each other, but things you are processing within yourself too. Don’t assume your partner can read your mind and know exactly what you are processing always.
As you grow and change you will experience situations differently, allow your partner to learn too. Expectations leave no room for magic. Just because you are with someone for a long time, doesn’t mean the magic disappears. It is always there, ready to be ignited daily.
2. No phone time
This one is so important for my business owners. Want to establish more intimacy together? Then you need to disconnect, stop getting your dopamine and oxytocin hits from Instagram and start getting it from each other. We’ve established daily breaks together; morning tuning in, afternoon breaks, and always dinner together.
Plus weekly date nights, we have to get ourselves out of the house. When your house is your office space it’s important to create boundaries and breaks. When we have these breaks together it is a no phone zone. We are simply together. The great news is, this creates space in your business for new solutions to come in too… win-win.
3. Let’s talk about sex baby
Time to turn off your work and turn on… It can be hard to go from work mode to sex mode. This tip is intentionally after the no phone time because that is a vital piece to lighting up the sex life again in a work together relationship. Get reconnected, not as business partners but as lovers.
Create that space in your day and naturally lean into physical intimacy. Use your communication skills here too, have you and your partner been together for a while? When’s the last time you talked about what you want and don’t want? The last time you talked about how you’d like sex to be initiated?
Let’s talk about sex baby, literally. Go have a conversation and then take action with those pieces of information. Oh, and you’re in charge of your work breaks right? A little sex break is good for your creative flow too.
4. Drop the fairy tale
What I saw in my own relationship turbulence and in other’s, is not only relationship issues but on top of that – shaming yourself for having a problem in the first place. This creates an even bigger problem, you resist the problem being there in the first place because you feel like you have to keep your fairy tale together.
Girl, they cut the scenes in Cinderella with the arguments over leaving his socks on the floor. Remember that an argument isn’t the end, it’s completely natural and if you can progress through that in a healthy way you will create resilience moving forward.
5. Grace in each other’s humanity
You’re walking together, but that does not always mean you will be in the exact same pace. Each of you is a whole and complete human, you are walking on a separate journey in life hand in hand. We all grow and process in different ways and it is so easy to look at your partner’s growth in frustration because you know what they are capable of and they’re not doing it.
This is their path, and by cutting it off in frustration they could miss valuable lessons. In business, it is very much a hustle and flow kind of balance, in your home life you have to bring yourself back to center and be human together.
Your contrasts are probably what attracted you to one another, and now that you are working businesses side by side, those same contrasts may be the root of some big frustrations. Find your skill set balance so you can use those contrasts for strength instead of turmoil.
Relationships are messy and can be so full of magic. Hold space for your partner’s humanity, hold space for them to be messy on their journey, trade your frustrations for curiosity, and find your moment in each day to fall in love all over again.