There isn’t a woman alive who hasn’t had a touch of the green eyed monster at least once in her life. It’s often an experience that leaves us feeling ashamed, inadequate, angry and confused. What if it didn’t have to? What if it wasn’t a ‘monster’ at all? Like most uncomfortable things, there is usually a hidden [but beautiful] side we can’t always see, and this is no different.
Jealousy is one of the most potent gateways for personal development that there is. When you know how to look at it you will see that your jealousy is showing you a way to reach your highest potential. Understanding its message will totally transform your confidence, your sexuality, and your relationships.
There are five key messages you need to know next time you feel those green eyes opening up.
1. A part of you is awakening
When you feel jealousy come up as you interact with another woman it’s often because you admire something about her. When you find yourself shrinking to those thoughts of ‘she’s so perfect’ it isn’t actually the whole story. The truth is, you actually think something very specific is perfect about her. And even when you pretend you don’t like her, something is drawing you in. It is your own soul calling. Trust me on this one.
When we see something in another person that makes us feel jealous, it is simply a calling from a piece of us that is trying to be active or seen. All you need to do is to name the exact quality you admire to find out what it is. Look closely next time, what is the quality you are jealous of? Sometimes it’s easy to find and other times you have to look a little deeper. If you are jealous that she is playful, it means there is a playful side of you that doesn’t know how to find its way out. If you are jealous that she has friends, there is a part of you that is wanting to connect with women about something important.
Jealousy isn’t there to hurt you, it’s a window into a piece of yourself that would like a voice. It’s also usually a piece of yourself that doesn’t know how to go about getting what it desires. If you want to be playful for example, but you aren’t sure what is blocking you, it’s a great idea to ask a coach for help – because you truly can have the life you desire if you listen to the whispers of your heart when it guides you. But what happens when it’s not so simple? What if you can’t find the specific quality or it’s a hundred things about one person? We look a little deeper.
2. There is a desire you seek
What’s really going on inside jealousy is that we make wild conclusions about what people have in their life because of the way they are. We start to believe that if we were just like them, we’d have what they have. It’s what you perceive they have that you’re actually jealous of.
Maybe you think the way they are equals getting a relationship and that’s what you really want. Maybe you think the way they are equals having a thriving business and that’s important to you. Maybe you think the way they are equals having more friends and that’s one of your goals.
At the end of the process, feelings of jealousy will always lead to uncovering a hidden desire in your life. The way forward then is learning how [or getting help] to activate those things inside yourself rather than being stuck in the yo-yo emotional rollercoaster of jealousy.
3. You want to be unique
The truth is, you aren’t actually competing to be like anyone else, you are actually competing to be like you – that’s what this is really about underneath. You haven’t given yourself permission to be the wildest, self-expressed version of yourself. When jealousy crops up you don’t realize all the qualities you admire are already inside you waiting to be expressed in the way that only you can.
Even when you are admiring a quality in someone else, what you’re really thinking is I want to express that same quality, but it my own way. I want to be me, fully. The good news, that quality IS already inside you because it’s a piece that’s trying to awaken remember? All you have to do is ask it how it would like to be expressed and take your first step in that direction.
4. Your heart is asking you to recover
So many women have been hurt in ways that make them lose their sense of confidence and sexuality or they become unsure of how to express themselves because of past experiences. Jealousy is one of the ways your heart tries to whisper to you that it’s time to claim that power back. If you have been hurt by a lover, you can accidentally slip into judging (and sometimes hating) other women as a side effect of the pain.
When we are so deeply hurt it is hard to witness beauty and sexuality in another woman without feeling threatened. For some women, this feeling is a type of secret jealousy that turns into anger and rage and even makes them feel as though they’d rather stay home than deal with women in the outside world.
This situation has a message for you, it’s reminding you that you have an inner spark that went out with your pain and it wants to come back again. Jealousy is trying to show you the road home again, to get back all the pieces you think you lost if you let it.
5. It’s time to engage in acts of sisterhood
The emotion that lives underneath jealousy is competition. We fear other women on some kind of primal level because we’re worried they’ll take something from us. Then we compete, and we judge, and we shame them so that we feel safer, but all it
does it hurt us and make us feel alone.
One of the best things I ever did to help me regain my sense of personal strength was renewing my faith in sisterhood by joining a women’s circle. To be held in your beauty, your tears, your fears and your re-blossoming sexuality by other women in exactly the same position as you is an extraordinary thing. We often think that it is men that need to heal us, but it isn’t. Our healing comes from returning to our own deep sense of confidence and sensuality via our trust in other women.
We do not have to compete with other women to win in life
We ‘win’ by including them. Even the women you think are perfect are silently suffering too. We need to rebuild the garden of sisterhood every day by walking up to other women and letting them into our hearts. At one time I used to feel so jealous and angry when I saw someone beautiful, as though it meant my own beauty was somehow diminished.
Now when I see a beautiful woman I say, YES.
When I see her wearing that red dress I say, YES.
When I see her turning heads in the street I say, YES.
When I see her dancing to her own music I say, YES.
When I see her winning in my own industry I say, YES.
When I see her making all the money I say, YES.
Because everything I admire in her is a piece of myself. There is nothing missing from inside you – that is the message your jealousy is trying to bring you. You are already perfect, whole and complete – and if you have been waiting for permission to let yourself out, this is it.